When I went on my road trip, I asked one of the pipe carriers for the dance, to pray for and with me about some things I wanted; for me. Just for me this time. No agenda for others, no trying to save you, not for the kids. For me.
And when we were talking, one of the things that came up, was a quote I had seen just before, "Let me lead you to the river, so you can be reminded what it feels like to be moved by something you cannot control."
He had me say it three times, with deep breaths; setting the energy, intention and momentum.
It's a beautiful thing.
To neither be controlled nor have control; to be able to flow within any energy, and be able to allow myself to feel moved by what calls to me, rather then what feels like I "should" do it, or what I "should" avoid so as not to be branded a certain way or bullied for being myself or for not playing the codependent placation game.
Funny enough; when I first saw that quote, and then most of the day today as I've visited and applied for NICE houses and apartments - I've thought about you.
Esp who you were when I met you.
I loved that you just wanted to be you.
You were tired of trying to please everyone and getting nowhere.
You were tired of doing what everyone said you "should".
You were ready to live for yourself.
And you did.
And I admired that about you.
It's also what made me giggle so much last year, when you kept accusing me of trying to control you.
Which as I said then; not possible.
Not unless you're allowing it.
You're energy is far too strong and you are like a river or an ocean; you can control yourself and you can decide to swirl and bend and flow in different directions, though even when you try to control yourself to please others or avoid some negative consequence, you just end up damning up your flow and calling in a bunch of bad woo that makes everything unstable and fall apart.
Which is a bad thing.
It's not you doing something wrong.
I've experienced the same thing.
It's not a thing we're doing "wrong", as others would have us believe.
It's very simply that we were made for so much more then table scraps fought for every day.
We are wild horses; mare and stallion - meant to be liberated to move and flow with the land and other wild equine and land animals.
We are panthers and lions.
We are dragonflies and falcons.
We are Merlin and Mim.
We are Cabbie and LadyBunny.
We don't fit within the lines drawn for us.
We fit in the lines we draw for ourselves.
And whenever we try to force ourselves to be small and fit within others lines drawn, everything falls apart and keeps falling apart. Cuz within each of us separately, is a river - a natural element that carves pathways through the land and carries resources and holds space for infinite life.
We are connected to the oceans and streams and lakes.
We are fed by the mountains and clouds.
We shift with the moon and other planetary bodies.
We are "that which cannot be controlled", and when we embrace this and love ourselves for it, we cause everyone and everything to move around us.
Hence why it's so important that we love ourselves and move and flow through the world in benevolent, genuine and self loving ways - so we are not shaken when others are, and so that they can see how to experience those feelings for themselves - which is the only REAL way to "save" anyone anyways. When we try to rescue or care for everyone all the time, we make them dependent on us; we who can do pretty much anything we set our minds to, and achieve over and over, higher and higher, for longer and longer.
Teaching those we love to love and carry themselves does far more for them then being their "hero" ever could or will.
The "hard" part, is simply in believing they can and will get it and be fine, esp when we recognize we're hurting ourselves and them in staying in dynamics where we are their sole providers, protectors, etc...
The next challenge is in not fearing we'll be alone, or that we'll be hated for respecting ourselves and walking away when the moment is right; remembering that we are loved where ever we go, and are never alone even when no ppl are around.
To feel better in NOT feeling "needed" then any time we've ever felt like we'd leave anyone "helpless" if we really left and put ourselves first.
A lot of the reason I didn't leave the YH or even allow you to have your exp with the QoSr, was because it felt like everyone would hate and shame me for leaving "helpless" ppl behind to do right for me and the boys.
Though I realized how silly that was/is.
Not only does it suggest a "god complex", it suggests that the ppl we care about are helpless or weak; which is rather harsh of a judgement, don't you think?
I know you don't like to be thought of as helpless, powerless, incapable or weak; nor do I. So why would anyone else like others thinking of them that way? And what kind of ppl does that make us? To feel we have the "authority" to judge others as incapable of caring for themselves, making their own decisions and living their lives however they want?
It would make us like everyone we've fought to be different from; everyone we've ever complained has hurt us; and everyone we used as "defenses" for why we hurt each other to avoid being hurt by each other in the ways they hurt us. Which is really silly, don't you think? Becoming the ppl who hurt us, just to avoid being hurt or feeling "unneeded"?
It was during my road trip, when I realized not only was I not ACTUALLY "needed" by anyone here so long as Joey had many loving conscious minds thinking about him at all times, and that I certainly didn't "need" anyone. I wanted everyone; though even then, when I thought about it - what did really want? I wanted to feel accepted by the ppl you couldn't let go of, and the ppl I though I needed to like me in order for others to feel I was a "good person" - namely my fam.
When I realized how silly that was; that no matter what origin connection there was with anyone, it was silly to try to hold onto relationships or form bonds with ppl I didn't align with.
Even with past and current versions of you; the racism, the greed, the petty behaviors, the victim consciousness, the acceptability with using the kids to manipulate other adults - I don't agree with any of that. So why was I trying to be small and placate to hold onto those dynamics? And why was I allowing myself to be knowingly manipulated by your and my fam, even after it was clear that it was never anything I did or didn't do that determined their perspectives of me?
That's when I realized how funny it was that I sent you that KFC submission of evolved energy to where I was when we met - when I was 15.
Cuz when we met, I had decided I'd rather be honest then play stupid games just to be "liked" or "included" or supported.
I didn't "need" anyone then; which was a painful thing to feel, cuz I did need ppl before then - when I was little, and I didn't get the love and support and affirmation I needed. Instead, I got trained and conditioned to predict every move and feeling, to "take temperatures" as I've called you out on before. To be ready to mold myself into whatever would keep the peace and keep me safe.
I was already done with that at 15.
It wasn't until I got pregnant at 18, that I got pulled back in.
Cuz I felt it was better to deal with the bs and have at least a roof over my head and money in my pocket after getting screwed over by several friends when I had just made my own start in my first apartment by myself with Eamon.
I think the other part of that too, was that when I saw how you were in your shoreline apt; how you had gone back too, and tried to do the "adult" thing - as in, put yourself last and let yourself be bruised and drained, simply to not feel alone or like you were a shitty husband and father and sibling....I think something about that triggered the reflection in me...
Funny to think about how often we reflect each other.
Even now, I know that while you aren't likely reading these posts - you are very likely writing.
Processing things.
Looking at all the pieces of various puzzles and studying what you've been learning.
Deciding what you want....
And going for it.
Like I am.
I'm super excited to get to show off our new place.
We're still picking from a few options.
It's either gonna be a really nice apt or a decent and quaint little house.
Either way; I'm loving the energy of flowing in the "I love that I can do this!" and being mildly amused at the energy I sense in the distance, of QoSr and others being upset that I'm doing so well and am so deliciously supported by several large communities.
Eamon and I were talking about that earlier.
That's something I have that out of everyone we know; only you get some benefit from - and only because I extend it to you.
No one else in our old chapters, has dedicated the past 20 years to volunteering, kindness, growth, fun, and benevolence.
That's part of what makes me different.
And it's exactly the "Good Karma" that's uplifting me, you, and our boys right now.
Cuz *I* did that.
Not to get this benefit.
Not for any "agenda".
I did it because I loved it.
I did it because it gave back to ppl.
I did it because it felt good and I knew it mattered to those who had less at the time.
I did it because ppl fascinate me and because I got to have very cool exps that I wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford to do.
And I brought the boys with me; and they helped too.
As did you - when you let yourself be brave enough to join us, lol.
That's why so many ppl believe me about you.
They've met you.
They know you are good; and currently just very lost, confused and tired.
They know you'll get it together.
As do I.
And because they know I am trustworthy, super intelligent, and clearly I am neither fooled by anyone, they know that I would not "vouch" for you or use my voice in your favor, unless I had already confirmed your worthiness over and over again for myself.
Ppl trust me.
Ppl believe me.
And because they believe me and I believe in you, they believe in you too.
Just as I know you are learning to believe in you.
Anyways.
I've been able to start writing articles again, and I keep getting flashes of lots of income flowing in from my HP writing. So I'm gonna enjoy focusing on that and all the beautiful room I have for new healthy relationships in my life.
You are always in my heart.
You always have my faith and loyalty.
Esp in growing into being an actually good father to BOTH the boys and to your daughter.
I love you.
I miss you.
I send you abundant benevolent energies of fun and great experiences and stories to tell me later.
Always yours,
~Mim
Eamon and I decided the other day, that the opposite to a shadow storm is rainbows.
Feels fitting.
Also reminds me of your heartsong; "Lovers, dreamers and me".
So, I'm sitting here outside the motel room, so I can smoke and use the laptop to write and look for more opportunities., thinking about the upcycles and uplevels of what you kicked off; primarily 22 months ago, though def at least as far back as you getting the 360 storage unit - where you called back in the karmic loops with sheila, your fam, your parents, and yourself.
It's strange, cuz I am grateful to communicate any and all parts of my story, our story, and all the histories to anyone who asks. Though they often only take in what feels important to andor triggering for them, and disregard the rest.
Which is understandably human; even as frustrating as it can be at times.
It opens my eyes to how and why you have disingenuously acted as you have, and why others act as they do. It's collective spirit sickness. Disconnection from self, spirit, ancestors, etc...
It feels like that's why c19 came in; it's name means "the crown"; which connects to both the crown chakra that connects us to the 5d and beyond, as well as to the chess, queen, kind, royalty stuff. I've heard ref to crowns and being royalty a lot - funny enough, esp from your fams end, lol
Anyways; this morning I filled in a friend from dfap, whose been paying for our room here and trying to help with things. They were asking about the ordeal with our last "roommate", who had very similar problems as you have with your current "roommates". I told them about what happened and how I suddenly came under accusation of "grooming" - which Eamon and I agree has an interesting relationship to Horse Ally energy. Either way, it's a big accusation from a very insecure person in a bipolar cycle, whose mad for the same reasons your pirates are upset - I told the truth, I stood up for myself and all kids and teens, and that challenged the shadows their false foundations of "power" were built upon, and are mad cuz I'm still exceptionally emotionally stable, regardless of what they toss onto my path.
Ironically, our former roommate, when we were fleeing from YH, revealed herself much in the same way as your and my pirates did; she asked if I wanted her to call YH and pretend to be the police - which I declined, and then later told me in front of Eamon and her kids, that if I wanted, she knew how to get gpa to hurt her to get him arrested. I told her very directly that was the last thing I wanted. It's bad enough he did hurt Eamon, along with all the other crap he and gma have done both recently and through past chapters of the story of us.
You know, the greatest irony, is that many ppl will tell you shit like that, to keep you afraid of them. So that you'll see what they'd be willing to do to other ppl, so that if you ever desire to stand up for yourself or others with them, you'll rethink and talk yourself out of it, because you'd know they'd be willing to do the same to you. Which is largely what I imagine is happening with you.
To digress, I'm holding space for abundant benevolent blessings and manifestings to roll in, while folx from dfap and other communities, do what they can to assist us. It really is quite amazing that they are helping. I never truly gave up, though I did put most of them on the backburner with the ways they have retreated and been doing the "politeness" game that I am releasing in favor of good manners, kindness, integrity and authenticity.
I'm going to keep being me and growing and upleveling.
Pulling of miracle after miracle, and showing that ppl can exist and not just survive struggle - find a way to thrive beyond it and help others WITHOUT being dishonorable, codependent or low vibe. I'm going to do it with delightful gratitude and authenticity. All the way down and up, as many times as it takes to manifest a stable foundation that can support healthy dynamics and inspire the world to be better to themselves and to kids.
And my favorite part, is that YOU are the only one who knows and believes I'm fully capable of doing all of that and more.
I'm grateful to you my love; had you not chosen to go back into your loops, I wouldn't have found myself again, and wouldn't have made the choices I have. I would've remained an indignant coward, and would've sat back and watched life move quickly around me. Though that's not the story, and I'm excited to see what adventures come from the story we've chosen, and just how many ppl I can inspire and create benevolent ripple effects with.
I've been thinking about the pirates and there nonsense.
They all demand being able to control how everyone thinks and feels; to "control the narrative" as many virgo's like to call it.
Well, here's the thing.
They can take you.
They can work to destroy my reputation.
They can take whatever they think will feel better and do whatever they want to try to limit my ability to thrive, though they can't ever take my memories.
My memories are mine to remember as I choose to remember them.
Even you cannot take my memories, perceptions, and imaginings from me.
Only I get to decide how I feel, what I think, what I do, and how I remember things.
Just the same as you and everyone else.
So by all means, make me your villain.
Let others make me their villian.
I know who I am and no longer require others to validate my perception of myself, you, our boys, them, or anyone else.
Something I know you're also learning.
Along with how to hold space for Joey to feel how he feels without fear of you being upset.
Of course, it's 10:51pm - "7"
I still giggle cause I know that makes you think about your eggplant, while it makes me think about magick, synchroncity and the beautiful spaces between and around us.
Anyways.
I'm sitting in the apartment that we've been discussing renting, considering our next options.
The friend we're room mating with is pretty awesome in many ways; though she's got plenty of codependent tangles that I recognize from journeying with you and the pirates and potatoes. Not 100% sure on it, though it feels intuitively like she was hoping me and Eamon would move in, pay half the outrageous rent, and be available for her oldest. It's likely mostly subconscious rather then a conscious intention, and could also just be my cautious heart.
Either way, I already started reaching out to more friends a few days ago, to see what sorts of options are available for me, Eamon, and Squeak. We have a few options that aren't as nice in terms of inside conditions, though they'd be nicer small town areas and that would make me feel better about Eamon exploring when he feels courageous enough to do so.
Which I know he will soon enough.
Having to leave YH the way we did, not being able to see Joey, and feeling like you don't care enough about him to even answer if you want to see him or not...that's...well, that's a lot...esp after your fam has proved they care more about "winning" and running from their shadows, then being good to him...and then seeing that my fam ain't different...he's doing amazingly well for having gone through all he has - not just this past month; all his life.
Anyways.
I'm excited for future months rolling in.
Spirit says the leaps of faith taken, have altered the spiralcycles for everyone, in alignment with the ending of the 19-20 year cycles everyone was already leaving, and that the "game" has been changed by the ways I approached speaking truth and being "selfish" for once, without having any of the agenda's everyone else does.
Which is good.
If nothing else good comes of any of this; at least the cycles are altered.
New exps are far better then repeating the past over and over; forgetting that you're repeating it and then doing it over and over again. Which is like your history teacher would say, "if you don't know your history, you're bound to repeat it."
GoodEvening my budding Gentlemen =)
I mostly just stopped in to tell you I love you.
Just so I can enjoy the look on your face when you read blog posts like this, lol.
I had actually spent several hours writing to you yesterday. Though my ND got the better of me, so now it's another draft that I'll show you some day, lol
Until then; Cabbie's been sending me visions of you writing about the backpack...
Going through and rectifying the story of us by way of going through your memories of backpacks and back up plans, why you've lied so much and been so scared to be authentic, and about how you found yourself excited for the first time ever; to pack your backpack to come back home to us.
I've no idea what timeline those visions are from, or which one will line up with me by the time you share these feels with me; I just know that's the baseline of how fun and meaningful and deep it'll be, which means when these connections line up in the 3d, they'll be even more amazing then the baseline; cuz that's the kind of manifestors we are - it's always better then imagined with us =)
So!
Until then.
I'll be giggling relentlessly over here, about how you both keep me more firmly grounded into your lives that I do, and loving knowing that everything you're both doing without any of my help, is manifesting a most bodacious and delicious union for you and me and all our kiddos <3 =D
As always,
Unfuckwithably yours,
Lady Bunny =)
I went to put on my playlist to do some writing too, since our youngest is quad riding and I dont wanna speak my thoughts out loud around him.
The first song that came on with the shuffle, was "nobody knows it but me".
I remember when that song first started coming up.
You confirmed you'd been hearing it too.
It was when we were sharing syncs.
Just like you started doing again with that wagon.
Now it's a song called "Mercy". A newer one I love, cuz it's about a guy asking a girl why she's dressing up and doing things that make him fall in love with her even more. He's asking her to "have mercy" by taking her shot with him if she loves him; and if she's not gonna take her shot, then just get it over with and break his heart. Make it fast.
Both songs together, tell me what you're feeling; and I didn't even turn on the playlist with the intention to know that at the moment.
Feels fitting.
You're so adorable.
You confuse yourself so often; triple thinking things.
Thankfully, I'm not confused anymore, and I know I'm not confusing. I'm very clear.
Ironically, you're very clear too; that's how I know how you feel and what's really going on.
You're sort of like some of the folx spirit has me working with; who tell themselves a story that they aren't "that healed" andor that they're "confused", when really they're very healed and not at all confused. They're just anxious.
Funny; now "Sweet Home Alabama" is on, and all day today and the past few days, I've been seeing syncs to do w/reese witherspoon, who played the lead role in our fav movie by the same title as the song. I just love that. Esp the connection w/lighting and Hart of Dixie.
That's how I see you, you know?
As a man who was; not is, trouble - and mostly only cuz he knows what he wants. He just puts too high a standards in front of himself, when he misunderstoods the standards of the lady his heart gave itself too. A man who feels he has to build himself up to a certain 3d level before he'll feel 'high caliber' enough to approach his lady and feel he can confidently hold his head up proudly without any deceptions and say "I'm ready".
I remember when I told you, before you joined the circus; "be more like wade. He grew so he could be a match to the woman he loves. He didn't give up. He didn't give in. And he didn't let his naughty past hold him back."
Wow. Just accidentally clicked on a new song called "You". It's a guy singing about "I got you for the rest of my days"...that's from you too...
It's funny how signs are all around, that speak our hearts to each other.
If I didn't know this, and hadn't worked on my self esteem - I might still not understand why you've stayed so distant for so long, or why you've had to write yourself lists of reasons not to give into "temptation" with me - which is so funny, as I haven't even fully turned on the charm yet! lol
Thinking bout doing that soon though.
We'll see; I'm enjoying seeing what you're doing with your space to create whatever you want while I'm not "on". Plus, it's really fun and affirming that I don't even have to really be "trying" and you already see everything I do as so tempting and such a "pursuit" of you, that you have to write lists and fill your life with dozens of demanding distractions just to keep yourself from running back to me immediately.
Makes me feel so naturally powerful, lol.
Wonder what will happen if I just turn the charm up a couple of notches? lol
Love always,
Your One & Only =)