Dear Cabbit...just a lil sweetness...

That's all I needed...

That's all the kids needed...

Just that sweetness..

That playfulness..

That empathy..

To be at least ONE of your priorities..

Had you done that..

Had you been the one to ask about them..

About their birthdays..

About their special days..

Had you asked about my family before I called to cut away at strings...

Had you not allowed yourself to be cowardly cowed by fear of the rQoS tyrannical drama...

Had you stood up for yourself..

Your family..

Your kids..

Your own needs..

Had you put money aside for yourself..

Had you stuck to your plans when you first moved out and not gotten sucked into her web until you felt so drained you had nothing left for you, let alone us...

We wouldn't be where we are..

In this hard place..

Better rocks and prickly bushes..

Though take heart my love...

As much as I humanly question things myself...

I trust..

I trust you and the patterns you've shown me this last year...

I trust the old patterns you've found yourself back in...

I trust the Intuition I had that I needed to stand up to you and share some of my ickier feelings...

To push you as far as possible until you had enough...

Because while I am stuck in the thorn bushes too..

Spirit fills my heart and mind with the vision that this thorn bush is actually a rose bush...

We just can't see the flowers from in the middle of the bush...

And need to untangle ourselves from it in order to see what we've really grown together...

I know you'll see it soon...too...

Dear Cabbit... you're missing it...

Yesterday I talked with our oldest about getting his first job this summer. 

About getting ready for interviews and applications, thinking about what he'd like to apply for.

He decided to use that as his topic of discussion in his counseling session too.

Then today, I talked with our youngest about how to properly deal with frustrations and anger that he's not sure where it's coming from and needs healthy outlets for. Then we talked about cutting his hair. He decided he didn't want to put into the effort to train it to stay out of his eyes or wear any hair accessories to help with that, and would rather have his crew cut back.

After both conversations, I felt sad.

Because you're missing it.

Reminds me of the scene from hook when Peter's wife throws his phone out the window and tells him that he's got to stop focusing on work and play with his kids, cuz he's missing the best years he'll have with them and soon they'll be so wrapped up in everything else they won't want anything to do with him.

That he needed to take the time NOW, not later.

Not after other priorities.

I remember having that conversation with you several times.

Unfortunately, you didn't listen and there was no Captain Hook to take your away to Neverland and help you find yourself again.

At least..

Not unless that's the roll of the rQoS..

Hmm..

Maybe...

Either way.

I can't help but feel so sad at how much you've missed already.

And how sad I feel that you'd currently rather allow everything to fall apart and follow in your dad's footsteps; blaming everyone else for the cowardly walk off the plank rather then learning to fly and play and to apologize when you mess up.

I'm trying to hold onto faith that you wont do that..

That you just need time to create space and find the words you want to say..

I hope I don't have to be patient for too much longer...

And even moreso that the boys don't have to wait much longer...

Cuz while they miss you..

You're missing them..

And you'll deeply regret it if you allow that to continue to happen in favor of a messy miserable life...

Dear Cabbit...Re-Membering the first day of "Cabbie Talk"...

I remember a few months before you left..

When I first got you Cabbie..

Before he was Cabbie..

When you were Cabbit and he was your rabbit with your cat hat and cuffs..

I remember giving him to you...

The sweetness radiating from you was palpable..

You were like an older kid who finally got that xmas present they'd been asking and praying for for years...

And then I remember when you told me that you used to have a kind "baby talk"..

Until you Karmic ex wife..

Then it wasn't "manly"...

I remember wanting so much for your to show me...

To trust yourself and me..

To play in that way..

You didn't...

Until after you left..

Then...you started texting me with this 'lil speak' that became "Cabbie talk"..

I remember when I first realized what it was..

What you were showing me...

What you were gifting me with the chance to share with you...

That was what inspired the Cabbie doodles you love so much..

That was a magick moment for me..

I'm Re-Membering it now..

And crying..

Sometimes hard and sometimes soft..

Praying for faith..

And more beautiful days like that one..

Dear Cabbit...Big Fish...

Well...

I just spent several hours writing out a beautiful post about all that is Manifesting and the move I know you're currently making.

Though when I attempted to add the pics of the double rainbows I saw yesterday, the app crashed and the post was mostly lost.

I might write it again.

Might not.

For now, I simply want to giggle at the fact that today marks 1 year and 1 day from when I started this blog, and how it has come back to where it began.

Just like you are either at or just about to be at your 1 year and 1 day from officially trying a 'committed' ship with the bpd rQoS with "better boundaries" and such, which happened right after your first big break up and she went to and came back from Cali.

Just after you sent me the hump day sync and the note saying you intended to come find me for your birthday, as a gift to yourself.

Cuz you know I am your gift from Spirit.

Obviously we both thought that would be by your birthday last year.

Though it's clear it'll either be this years 43rd bday (a 7 year for you), or maybe by your 44th. 

Either way, I look forward to sensing you enjoying your new found freedom, and the smirk you'll show me when you reveal you've finally done as I suggested, and confess it's fun, that you did really need it, that it wasn't as hard as you thought it would be, and that you're grateful for my recent leap of faith in pushing you away and attempting to quickly cut all strings.

Faithfully yours,

~ Madame Rose ~

Dear Cabbit...you got this..

I know the past 3 weeks have been intense.

Not just between us; in all areas in your life.

That's Spirit saying you've been accepting less then you deserve for far too long.

It told me it was the same for me.

And guided me to do the work to cut our 3d ties and be your reflection.

The energy you gave; I gave.

Up until the day you helped tow the car.

Which was a hard day.

My choices were:

*Ignore everything and hold things in, keeping myself stuck and feeling dishonest.

*Be nice just to enjoy a breadcrumb moment no matter how upsetting it was that you've hurt and screwed me over and couldn't even just say "Yes. I'll help you after work.", knowing that would keep us in the same cycles...

*Be honest about how I was feeling at the moment, such as big feels. Esp with you acting like there was nothing wrong with what was happening, and not showing any Gratitude for how you use me as your therapist on top of everything else. I knew sharing a big in the moment feeling would likely create a big reaction. Though in the moment with tears like waterfalls falling from my chin, I knew the only reason not to say it, was my old fears of being too much, screwing everything up, andor you hurting me because you didn't have the maturity to own how much and how hard you've hurt me.

Then things lined up on their own.

The state stuff, counseling, and even today's message.

Leading us to where we are.

Where I know that you are cutting everyone out and learning how to end things, choose yourself, and stop giving your energy to those who will only use you then discard you.

Much as you've done with me.

Now is time for prayer and faith.

The boundaries are set.

You're in action mode and taking leaps of faith just like me.

I have faith that when you've gotten yourself into your studio castle and had a minute to breath, and I've recollected myself, we will re-member each other and all will be well.

Better then before actually.

Until then,

I love you and I look forward to the day you see why I did what I did, and see how grateful you are that I did.

Dear Cabbit...all the evidence I need...

It's already been pretty obvious to me over the past year, that you love me very much and just don't have the self esteem and self trust to get yourself on your feet and come back to me as a DM.

Funny thing, you already provided enough evidence through your words and actions for me to have my question answered from going to counseling - do you really love me or am I just a safe placeholder?

Though you indirectly provided me with the last bit of confirmation I'll ever need in order to know for sure what's on your mind most.

And it came in the funniest way.

Via you andor the QoSr trying to get your sister involved in one of our arguments and try to make me look bad, and all that ended up doing was providing to two things: 

1. You're both assholes - cuz I showed your sister the whole conversation we had; cuz I've nothing to hide, and it definitely didn't help your case.

2. You not only still love me, you think about me sexually every day, cuz you still have your favorite pic of me nakey on your phone for my caller ID pic. So every time I text or call, and every time you text or call me, and every time you look at your texts to text someone else, you still see me, in a pic I'd say is one of my most Divine.

And although I know you still have lots of growing to do, and I have no intention of telling you I know this in any other way, nor of giving you any easier of a time then you've earned lately, getting to see that delicious bit of evidence you either imcriminated yourself with, or let yourself be incriminated with, is just so delightful that I'll be laughing for months from that alone.

It def provides me with enough emotional security to know everything I'm doing in just being me and following my dreams, is perfect, and that you'll come to me when you're ready to stop being a big old baby crab about everything, lol

Dear Cabbit...now it gets interesting...lol

I'm really going to giggle by the time you get to this blog and to this post.

It's a few days after I told you I give up; by which I meant that I give up on putting my life on hold while patiently waiting for you to get your act together; both with the kids and with us - friendship, union, anything else. Esp after that craziness where you got to release your feelings and then rejected me for releasing mine.

Anyways, I just decided to go have fun.

In whatever ways I feel called to.

And to leave you in what you're telling yourself that your stuck in. You're not actually stuck, and once you stop telling yourself you are and that you "don't know what to do", then you'll be quickly free and laughing about how you made it so much harder then it had to be.

Unfortunately, I suspect that you'll take my surrender to mean I give up on you or us or on you as a father, and will lean into things with your karmic for a bit, and if my visions and knowing are correct, that'll actually trigger her to move onto her next target, while leaving you in the worst ways.

A reality which is led me to trying to stay more directly connected to you so that when it happened you didn't feel completely alone.

Though you've made it pretty clear that your stubborn ass needs to go through it the hard way, and I've realized that sometimes the hard way is the best way. It comes with the kinds of growth that can create miraculous healing much faster then when done gently.

So while in order to give you the space to do that, I'm really gonna let go of the 3d and embrace the absurd by getting back into kink; both personally and professionally. 

Which I know is already driving you nuts.

Cuz I know you. 

You might never admit to lurking my vids and social medias, but you give away that you do, and I know it drives you nuts that I pretend not to notice.

Though that's part of the fun, esp if you're gonna play the ambigabush game like that.

And I know that no matter how "happy" and "proud" of yourself you say you are with what you have going, you aren't fulfilled or satisfied at all, least of all with the rQoS and the completely boring routine of overworking, paying for everything, and constant flow of drama and conflict; which I know you used to find stimulating but now find both unpreductive and way too predictable. 

Plus, you've already said multiple times that you don't feel safe to share the deeper parts of you, and with me diving right into the things you're currently "not allowed" or safe to talk about or explore, I know it's going to both frustrate you and make you laugh yourself silly.

Especially as, I've decided when it's relevant, I'll talk about us stuff. 

I won't share sensitive stuff about you, and will only refer to you as my DM or my sub, though you'll know it's you, and what's even better is that you already gave me permission and consent multiple times. Plus, because I'm protecting your name and identifying info, there's really nothing anyone can say about it.

Though you and I both know the rQoS is going to have a lot to say about it when she goes through her routine of lurking my channel and profile. Which she gives away that she does and doesn't even realize how obvious it is, lol.

I'm gonna laugh so hard when you reveal how she takes it. I'm sure it won't be sitting down, and will likely be taken far out of context just based on insecurities.

Either way, I have no problem admitting how amusing I already know this is going to be.

Knowing that I'm literally just pursuing something I already love just because I love it, and getting the happy coincidence of knowing that you'll find it torturously titillating and she'll find it completely frustrating. 

I can only imagine all the convos about "why didn't you tell MEEEE you liked that???!??" Lol

If you think me just sharing my feels on fb made me a "thorn in your side", then just what until I really build momentum.

Esp when I get some FWBs to build more experience with, when you'll not be able to tell when I'm talking about you or someone else.

Mwahahahahaaaa 😜

Unless of course you're already broken up as many trusted readers are saying, and you're just getting her out of your house or planning to leave yourself, then you'll just find it even more tempting knowing exactly where my mind is focused.

And the best part of it all, is that I get to help ppl while being a total imp, knowing full on you find that attractive af, lol