Your fb profile...
Now that you have me semi-blocked...
Where it only shows public things from a while back...
Just below the first two posts...is your post from almost a year ago...
When you proposed on facebook to me...
Which I know is not only seen by me, but by your Queen of Swords too...
In fact, I'm sure that must've been what she could see the day she sent you a friends request...
And likely the day you unfriended her when you thought I wanted you to just ghost all your exes that you'd kept around.
It's funny.
In this moment, I was going to tell you that it's one of the things that tells me I know you're coming back to me - cuz you wrote down your intention to marry me, and it's something anyone can see...something that comes up in your fb memories too...and I know you...vows are very serious for you...but what I'm feeling in this moment, is the recognition of your karmic queens seriously distorted feminine energy...such toxicity...to have still pursued you when seeing that...at any stage...and still have pursued either friendship with you, or anything further...
Which adds to my worries about me being friends with you while you're with her, to tell you the truth.
I've waffled on that daily, these past few weeks.
Considering whether or not I should treat your relationship with her, as a genuine one.
Back myself way off, and let you work through things with her as if it weren't clearly a rebound relationship, where you're trying to clone what we had and pretend to everyone else you've never been happier in your life (lmao).
There's a part of me that wants to reason that I just shouldn't have been so insecure about you having been friends with your exes in the first place - which I do feel is true.
Though there's another part of me that feels like I'm not honoring my own integrity, by being real friends with you at this time, especially as I do want to eventually get back together with you, once you've learned the things you think you need to.
Though there's another part of me, that feels like that would've been old me, rationalizing away my power, just to cater to your and others traumas. Like it's dulling my light and giving away what I've earned, just to avoid hurting those who went out of their way to get what they wanted without care for the costs to you or me.
The same kind of ppl who victimized you badly enough that you became your own villain, and ended up victimizing me, until I joined you on that cycle, and hurt you back too.
When I think about it like that, I feel there's very little wrong with me sticking by your side.
Being a real friend to you. Being truly there for you. Being your walksbeside, no matter what we're each going through. And allowing you to be there for me too.
It feels like everyone else who might come into our vibration, is just a temporary side character.
Yes, they are deserving of respect; hence why I'm careful not to make any moves on you, even when you're clearly attempting to instigate it.
Though as far as giving them the respect they didn't give me when you and I were in pseudo-union.
I'm not sure I feel the need to extend myself so far as that.
Though then there's a part of me, that knows how you often let ppl think whatever they'll think, and how often you didn't stand up for me - or yourself, that there were plenty of ppl who thought similar things of me.
It wasn't even until recently, when your sister and I connected on your moms birthday, that she was finally able to see that I never pushed for anything when we met and you were still wrapped up in your failing marriage. She seemed genuinely relieved, to recognize that I actually held back and kept myself away from you, until the divorce papers were on the table. That the rest was just us being young and in love...trying to fight it, cuz the timing and the circumstances weren't right for many reasons at the time...
Though after all that being cleaned up, it became even more clear to me, how you often just rationalize that "people will think what they want to think", before you've even tried to get them to see what's really happening. Especially in terms of how much bs is yours to own.
Such recognition of your trauma cycles, does cause me to question whether my above assessment is fair of anyone you're wrapped up with now...
The only thing that keeps allowing the upper one to win out, is that I know there are very keen and meaningful differences between why your Queen of Swords even initiated a relationship with you, and keeps it going along despite both of you feeling it fall apart - and why I got with you...and am still here...
She's with you because you're safe.
A karmic reflection of why you were with me.
Though she's with you moreso because you're financially and materialistically safe, then emotionally.
Not that she doesn't use the emotional safety to her advantage too.
I'm sure she recognizes at least subconsciously, that you're only with her to try to avoid for as long as possible, dealing with your feelings about me and having excuses to prolong getting back together.
Which we both know is what you really want, as much as you try so adorably avoid admitting it, lol.
Ironically, I'm no longer in a place of judgement about that.
She's not yet in a place where she's consciously aware enough, to own her own bs and stuff.
Like you, she probably equates you taking care of her financially and materialistically, as "real" love.
Such acts of service, could be one of her love languages too. Gift Giving probably too.
Either way, we've all been there.
We've all used one person or another, for selfish ends.
When we didn't know better.
Weren't conscious enough to.
Though not being in a place of judgement, doesn't take away my feelings of distress and discomfort at the idea of anyone using you...especially anyone trying so hard to gaslight you...
That does upset me.
Very much, actually.
Tbh, the only thing that has stopped me from storming in there all this time..
Is knowing that we both manifested this karmic to come to you, because all the challenges she presents, are things you need to learn to overcome...on your own...
Not alone - stop confusing the two.
You can have me here, holding space for you.
You can involve any friends, and get professional help too.
Plus spirit and your animal allies always have your back.
You're certainly never going to be "alone" in anything you do.
Though there are some things you need to learn to do "on your own", with others merely supporting you in side rolls...encouragement...appreciation..."you can do it" pep talks and such.
Not because you don't deserve so much more.
The opposite reason is in fact true.
It's because you deserve to know you can do it on your own.
And because you'll appreciate it so much more, when another does something for you...
Even as small as just appreciating and recognizing you...
When you really feel, see, and know you can do it on your own, even in the worst possible of circumstances...
Anyways...to circle back..
I meant for this post to be so much shorter...
Though the processing is nice...
So whether or not you ever get to read this, I'll keep going for a minute..
(can't go on too long, or I'll be procrastinating my actual work)
Idk what the best thing to do is...
In terms of us continuing to be friends...
I worry more about how you see me...
Continuing to be friends with you, after making such a big deal about the integrity of your exes having done that with you in the past.
I keep thinking back to the one big indication I told you to be wary of, when thinking about whether or not to keep connecting with any ex or friend who treated you so badly...
Apologies.
Geniune ones.
And remorse.
Requests for forgiveness.
And giving forgiveness.
They might seem separate, but they're really part of the same thing: being a good person.
Someone who really holds your best interests at heart...
Who doesn't have nefarious ulterior motives...
Who isn't just keeping things going with you because they're used to it...
Or getting their narcisstic supply from you...
They would feel compelled to say sorry - for real.
It would be deep, and it would be real.
It would be the kind of apology you can FEEL.
Something I know none of your exes ever did.
Nor have any of your "friends" who use you then abandon you time and again.
Ironically, I think in this moment, not only did I answer my own question of morality.
I think I also realized another reason why we needed to go through this separation time.
As Goldenrod once told me when I asked why some people continue to repeat trauma cycles when they could so easily change what they do by just a few degrees and experience such happiness - especially in reference to how you've been doing such things with me...
He told me it often comes down to one simple thing - modeling.
If someone has never seen another human being that they hold dear to their heart, doing something..
Then they subconsciously don't believe it's real.
They treat it like it's a fictional thing.
Until either they manifest enough discomfort within, to actively look for how to take personal responsibility for change (as I kind of did so many years ago)...
Or someone close to them "models" the behavior in meaningful situations.
And it certainly is meaningful...now that I see it...
For you to have experienced me modeling the things I talked about for so long...
That you clearly rationalized were just fictional tales.
Things like not needing for things to be dramatic.
Yes, I did display some of my own drama in the beginning.
Though even of what I did do, it's nothing compared to the drama you're used to and were clearly expecting by the way you treated even just that first week.
It was so brave of you to invite me to a dinner with your rebound...
Which clearly was more a test for me, than for her.
Even before you thanked me for showing you how easy things really could be, I knew that was a life changing moment for you.
Not that it wasn't for me.
I think it was just profound on different levels, cuz I wasn't looking at it as us being broken up.
I was looking at it as us healing.
And your karmic healing too.
Then going through these times where I've genuinely apologized to you, for the things that I've done.
Regardless of the fact that we both know anything I've down barely holds a candle to the thing you've done - most of which you've still yet to apologize for.
Though without requirement of you doing any of those things, nor even for you to come back to me, I still went on through the process of beginning to heal you and me - by saying my sorry's genuinely.
Not just for my swords to bare from our past relationship, but for things I'd more recently done.
Dramas included.
I knew from your first reaction to that first apology...
That you'd never experienced such a thing from anyone...
And definitely didn't expect it while you were so stubbornly acting up.
Though because I did it, it modeled for you, the very thing I was talking about.
Which I can see now, why you seemed to be so confused when I said all you needed to look in someone who hurt you, to know if they were good to be current friends with, was genuine remorse and authentic apologies.
You'd literally never seen such a thing happen.
Least of all to you.
Not in real life anyways.
I know you've seen in it movies.
I watched many of them with you.
It makes sense to me now...
Why you acted like you didn't understand what I meant...
And also why you seem to be so intent now, on becoming a much more honorable man...
It seems clear to me...
That with this separation..
And me just being me...
Somehow I managed to model for you...
Many of the things I couldn't simply explain with words...
The honor...the integrity...the reciprocity...
I know even from your own words...
You had expected me to act so differently.
Some of which I might have, if I'd decided to remain in my old me vibrations.
Though most of it was your fears of me becoming like your exes...eventually...
I think you seeing that that didn't actually happen...
And spirits well timed triggerings...
And synchronicities...
That at some point you finally decided it was time to follow my lead.
Starting with believing in yourself..
Little by little...
And trusting me not to abandon you.
Which is another thing that really weighs on me.
The part of me that feels bad about being your friend while you're pretending you're in a forever type relationship with your karmic queen...is at odds with the fact that I said I'd never abandon you...that I'd always be there for you...that you were stuck with me...
If I withdraw...
If I tell you the truth...
That it hurts me to see you pretending everything in your life is going so perfectly....
And tell you it tears me up to think of only being your friend for one more day...
That I feel it's only right to withdraw...
Not be to your current, who your exes were to me..
That feels like me abandoning you...
In a time it feels like you need me most...
It also worries me...
Cuz you're still so in and out of your own old cycles...
I fear you wouldn't choose me...
Showing I still have some things to work on healing myself...
I think I'm going to spend some time figuring out how to work those kinks out...
In easy, fun, and gratifying ways that neither push you away...
Nor damage how you or I view our integrity...
Hmm...
Many things to think about...
I'll think about them while you think about the question I asked you...
about what the "least loneliest" time in your life has been...
Maybe by the time you have an answer for that...
I'll have answer for to my current moral conundrum...lol
Until then my love...
I must take the kids out...
So they don't get too stir crazy...lol
Forever, always, and completely yours...
~Empress of lonely hearts...
