My dearest Cabbit....
I can see that you know...
I can feel that you feel it...
That you need to confess...
That you need to tell me everything.
Just lay it all out on the table.
Fearful or not.
Ironically, this time it's not because I require it.
Old me definitely would have.
Though I meant what I said.
I'll listen gratefully to every bit of your confessions.
Though I'd be grateful with spending the rest of my life tracing the wrinkles, scars, and callouses along your hands...getting to know the man you've now become, and loving getting to grow old and grow up with you, regardless of what happened during this time of our separation.
Not that I don't want to know.
I certainly do.
You know me.
I'm nosey, and I like to know things.
Plus, I love to know anything that helps me know you better.
Which is one form of loving you that I know you've always loved but never quite understood.
I know you've never had anyone else who wanted to hear about all of your past loves and future interests in such great detail...
Though I know you'll understand it soon, if you don't already.
That's a part of that "deep appreciation"...
I appreciate knowing who you were...
It helps me understand who you are.
And who you're likely going to be.
It's also what helps me know how to hold space for you in maddening times like this, when you're so deeply caught up in your karmic lessons with your Queen of Swords and her family.
I know you wondered about that too.
How could I see the good in you, when you've done basically everything to me that totally ruined you. How could I still see you as such a good man? How could I be such a good friend to you, without crossing the lines? How could I go on about living my life, making sure you know that I'm yours forever, always, and completely - while you're effectively cheating on everything and everyone. In every way you could think to do.
How could I possibly see the good in you still?
The answer resides in the "deep appreciation" you're still learning to really understand.
I knew you energetically, the first time I met you.
You knew me in that way too.
And because of that "knowing", I was able to recognize the "real" you...the Inner Being you...
From the moment you first started sharing your truths...
And over time...19 years of it...20 this year...
I've come to know your ego self...your fear self...your "shell self"...
I know all your masks.
I know all your coping mechanisms.
I know when you're being authentic or not.
I know when you're withholding...when you're hiding...
When you're sad...mourning...brooding...
When you're excited...
I know you.
In many ways better than I know myself.
Which is how I can tell that you need to confess.
Not because I need it from you, because you need it from you.
I know you already tried to reason that you could go on without doing so.
I know at first, you held logic that said I didn't deserve to hear it and would likely turn into the monster your ex wife was to you, when you realized how badly you'd screwed the pooch with your first live in girlfriend after her...but over time, I've proven over and over again, to be very different from the ego-fear version of me you have built up in your head, to keep yourself distant from me for so long, and then to feel good about ghosting me and the kids the way you did...
Which I also know is causing quite a lot of confusion in you.
Trying to reconcile between the two versions of me you see.
The one you built up in your mind, and the real me.
The me whose always been there, standing in front of you, waiting for you to really see me...
It's interesting that it took all thise chaos and circusry, for you to really start to see me...
Though whatever way it needed to happen, is the way it needed to happen...
And regardless of how preventable much of this really was, I know that when it's all over and done with, that you'll never go back to confusing me with the demons of your past...
And when you are really back, you'll have truly released all your exes.
And they'll never be a problem between us again.
Not physically nor emotionally.
We'll both be free.
It's within that freedom that we'll find our way back to each other naturally.
As we always have in the past.
This time is no different.
Ironically, I also know that it is your internal pressure that will cause you to confess things to me very soon. I've put zero pressure on you - an opposite of what we're both used to, I know.
Though I also know that my natural evolution out of needing to know everything or control everything, is only increasing your feeling of needing to tell me everything.
Plus, as I tried to tell you hundreds of times before, you have this thing you do, where you do things you know you shouldn't do, and no matter how hard you try to convince yourself what you're not doing anything wrong, you know you are - and then you act totally out of character to your typical self. You act out. Get more reactive. Then you drop, get really sad. You do a lot more "splitting", pretending everything is totally great, while acting like you're totally miserable.
Then you confess whatever it is you've been holding in, and then feel better.
Like you're lighter than a feather.
That's a part of who you are.
You can pretend you're this lowly creature who loves living in low vibes.
Though you can't hide from your true self forever.
Your own core values will get the better of you eventually.
It's only a matter of time.
A "when", not an "if".
All I have to do, is wait for it.
Cuz I know, once that moment comes..
Once you really start to let the words flow..
The dam will go.
Everything will come crashing out like a torential downpour.
The kind that niagra falls won't be able to hold a candle to.
All of the crumbling sandcastle walls you've been trying to maintain...
Will fall away naturally...as your emotional seas wash them back in your heart ocean.
And there will be nothing able to stop you from telling me the truth.
That you know I am yours, and you are mine...
That it's been true from day one...
That you've just been scared...
Just like you are now...
And that you see all of this has been you acting out.
Playing out your worst fears, testing me, and learning your karma.
All because you were afraid of genuine love.
Which I know you're now learning to recognize.
Especially every time you allow me moments to recognize you.
Which is when you confirm for yourself what has always been true.
That you've been lumping all women and all men into one category..
Not seeing anyone or even yourself, as individuals..
With their own strengths and weaknesses..
With their own triggers and traumas..
With their own alignments and vibrations...
I know you're learning right now...
How to see me...see yourself...see your karmic...
As individuals...
A skill you've needed to learn...
The kind of skill that will allow you to fully open up...
To allow yourself to be an individual...
Not your dad...
Not your mom...
Not the other father figures in your life who were awful...
Not the version of men you were told were bad growing up...
That you are your own man.
That you can and have made different choices then anyone in your past.
That you are a conscious being, who can choose to do anything - and succeed.
And that I too am an individual.
Just as are all the other women of your past.
Your mother, your sisters, your exes, you so called "friends", lol.
Which is important to really know within your being..
Cuz its what will forever and always help you see from here on out...
That because I am different from them, I can make different choices then them without you ever needing to fear that I might one day just turn into all of them - like some trickster nightmare being.
And that will be a day of days...
I can't wait for that day to come...
I can tell it's getting closer..
Especially after you telling me last night that you feel so good to be recognized...(by me clearly)
And shared with me the opening line to one of your most painful songs to your ex wife...
Whose very last priority was recognizing you...
Seeing you as an individual...
Seeing you as the sweetheart you are...
Owning her own bs and letting you own yours...
Which had she done..she might've actually stepped back and acknowledged that the messes created between you two, were mostly of her doing.
Not that you were innocent in all of it.
Far from it.
You were simply more inexperienced in the games of manipulation that she was raised with.
You were open and ready for genuine love.
And you gave it openly and deeply to her.
You gave her your vows...
And when she broke them that hurt on a level it's taken you all these 19 years to heal from...
That you'll likely still be healing from for a little while now...
Especially as you're just freshly allowing yourself to become aware you've been avoiding that for so long...that you let it get bad enough that she hurt you again...11 years after the divorce even...
I know that you're just now really grieving the loss of that relationship...
That somehow our 15 years together, served as your way of deflecting all the healing you should've gone through long ago...
I thought that we went through it together...
Though after watching how you've been avoiding facing your feelings about me and you...
I can see how you managed to do it...
Not intentionally, clearly.
More subconsciously.
Though I think one important thing happened when you and be split.
Something that really made the difference between why you didn't heal back then...
And why you are going through all of it now.
With all of your exes, including the one you're back with now, you were used to them doing unethical things. Same as the people you grew up around.
There was very little in the way of true integrity or ethics modeled for you.
Something that's always been important to me.
Something I held you to - being honorable.
To yourself as well as everyone else.
Which I know has always been a contrast to what the rest of your circle tells you.
And how they treat you.
With no affection or appreciation coming unless you were performing some service for them..
Which I know I've provided another contrast too.
It's been kind of amusing, actually, to see you work through that confusion these days.
Coming to understand that while yes, I want to be with you fully, that I have no ulterior motives.
I'm enjoying talking with you and hanging out with you, just because I enjoy it.
Because I appreciate you.
And because I appreciate who I am when I'm with you.
And cuz I can see you appreciate who you are when you're with me.
I see it in your eyes.
I feel it in your being.
I read it in your words.
And I listen to spirit speak it to me.
Especially in the hard times when I'm doubting.
It's you and me, babe.
Forever and always.
Completely.
I'm calmly anticipating the day that comes...
Which I know will happen after your confessions...
Which I know you're having a hard time holding back..
Especially as spirit increases the discomfort of your current situationship...
To help you get what you asked for - true healing...
Anyways my love...
My dearest one...
I must get back to working...
Geting my own shit together...
While you get ready to release the damn of emotion you're holding in.
I pray that day comes soon..
Who knows how much more processing we'll both still need to do once that happens.
That could be the real test...and make this time look like childs play in comparison, lol.
Especially with the way you and me are.
Both aries moons - that's a lot of electric charge ;P
Until next time...my adorably bratty one...
You still have all my recognition...
And all my love...
Forever, Always, and Completely...
Empress Bunnie...
