Dear Cabbit....thinking about Julie...

I know that much of your thoughts about wanting another baby...are more about "sellers remorse"...so to speak... Itsy one of your flaws that's I've always found both adorable and frustrating. Either way, I've been thinking... daydreaming too...about what it might be like to have another baby with you...

I know I've said many things in the past, that made it seem like I didn't want to expand our family.

I wish I could've been more direct with you, in simply saying "I'm scared.", as that was the truth, when we started talking about more permanent forms of birth control.

I thought I was being clear, in saying that if you really wanted another baby, I'd love to too - but I was worried about my body, and about me and you.

Though tbh, I'm kind of grateful, in a weird sort of way, that it didn't come across the way I'd intended. Cuz the truth is, neither of us was ready for another baby at that time. The three we have needed us and we weren't even able to give them our full attention and nurturing at that time - it wouldn't have been fair to have had another baby mixed up in there. For anyone.

Dear Cabbit...how dad does it...

My dearest Cabbit...

I realized a couple things between Sunday and today...

The first, is that you admire my dad in many ways...even you saying that you're trying to do things "like he does"...

And then thinking about how much you care about how he thinks about you...

I never used to understand why you'd get so panicked when he'd suggest you get a job at Boeing, or why you'd worried so much when I asked you to help me organize his stuff when he and Mom went on vacation...

Then today, it made sense.

You admire him.

He stays by my mom's side, even when she's not easy to be with.

He helps me, even when I'm not easy to help.

He plans ahead.

He has enough of a nest egg to be able to hide money away for all the little and big things his family needs.

He has great credit, and a good reputation.

He speaks his mind, even when no one seems to be listening.

He takes his time, even when everyone else is rushing.

He says only what's on his mind, and other than times when he's whining at me, he rarely ever says anything other than exactly what he means to say..

He's not perfect at all..but..

He's stable..

He's secure..

He's loyal..

He's mature..

He doesn't really "need" anyone..

He keeps his commitments..

And clearly, I've always had a better connection and desire to please him and have him be proud of me, than I've ever had with my mom...

You see him as a true "Emperor"...

The irony that he sits in a big chair most all day, has a loving family that cares for him even when he sometimes says he doesn't want it - and is an Aries Sun (associated with the Emperor card)...well...you just can't make that stuff up, lol.

Things make so much sense knowing this.

Especially why when I'd try simply to reassure you that you are more than an Emperor when you are doing what you love - whether that's being a master automative electrician, a divine musician, a gorgeous enlightened masculine, or your nurturing Cancer mom-dad self...whatever part of you you're feeling called to stand in, has always been more than adequate for me.

Though now I see...it makes sense..

If you admire my dad..

It would make you feel sad to hear me talking bad about him, even though you'd understand why I would be mad at him..

Which is why you wouldn't argue with me..

You've seen the way he's been with me too..

Even stood up for me a few times..

Being my man..

Though you'd always say "He means well.."

I knew you were right.

Though at the time I hadn't yet worked to heal my own mother/father wounds.

I couldn't see what you saw.