Dear Cabbit... I'm Approachable...

Sitting here.

I'm thinking about my thinking.

And no, I'm not in the thinking spot.

I'm in the driveway at the yellow house.

Trying to focus on work.

Though that isn't working.

So I'm sitting here thinking of absurd things, while talking to a gal pal on the phone...

Thinking about how silly we can both be, sitting here thinking about not talking to each other...

Trying to find all sorts of distractions..

Dear Cabbit...Phoenix Moments and Healing...Spirit saying, "Here I come! Ready or not!"

I know that today, you're likely very much in your feelings.

Not just because I know things, but because your reaction to my heads up of the potential path ahead, tells me that you're just now dealing with and healing some old feelings you've been carrying around; moreso from the past, then from me specifically - though I've made my mistakes that have contributed too. No one is innocent.

I just know your response was much less to do with "me", and much more to do with what you've been used to from ppl all your life - and that by me being me; being authentic, keeping my faith, and no longer being afraid of anyones reactions, that it feels so unfamiliar - it always has. Like, when I was being insecure, controlling, and crazy - you almost seemed like you felt more reassured. 'The devil you know', and that sort of thing.

Dear Cabbit....thinking about Julie...

I know that much of your thoughts about wanting another baby...are more about "sellers remorse"...so to speak... Itsy one of your flaws that's I've always found both adorable and frustrating. Either way, I've been thinking... daydreaming too...about what it might be like to have another baby with you...

I know I've said many things in the past, that made it seem like I didn't want to expand our family.

I wish I could've been more direct with you, in simply saying "I'm scared.", as that was the truth, when we started talking about more permanent forms of birth control.

I thought I was being clear, in saying that if you really wanted another baby, I'd love to too - but I was worried about my body, and about me and you.

Though tbh, I'm kind of grateful, in a weird sort of way, that it didn't come across the way I'd intended. Cuz the truth is, neither of us was ready for another baby at that time. The three we have needed us and we weren't even able to give them our full attention and nurturing at that time - it wouldn't have been fair to have had another baby mixed up in there. For anyone.

Dear Cabbit, you're such a copycat...but I love it...lol

My Dearest Cabbit.

You're so funny.

Even when you're not trying to, you're copying me.

I mean really, a "no pants at home rule?"

I tried to set that rule for you 3 times; once in the apt, once in the blue house, and then again at the yellow house - though that once was modified to being in the rv and in the bedroom - for obvious reasons, lol

I know you know you this.

Even if it didn't kick in consciously, when you first joked about it.

Heck, even if you still don't remember consciously, I know it was the real you - whose still partially stuck in another dimension.

And yes,

I also know it was a joke.

Not only cuz I'm a cool psychic like that, but also cuz your still my 'choir boy' - with so many conservative and inhibited sides you've only ever shown me.

Even the joking about such a thing, is something I know is special between us...

*Sigh*

Merlin... I'm sitting in your thinkin spot...laughing quietly to myself about how you act so offended that I would 'steal' it...as if I'm really THAT powerful..or that mean...lol

Dear Cabbit...how dad does it...

My dearest Cabbit...

I realized a couple things between Sunday and today...

The first, is that you admire my dad in many ways...even you saying that you're trying to do things "like he does"...

And then thinking about how much you care about how he thinks about you...

I never used to understand why you'd get so panicked when he'd suggest you get a job at Boeing, or why you'd worried so much when I asked you to help me organize his stuff when he and Mom went on vacation...

Then today, it made sense.

You admire him.

He stays by my mom's side, even when she's not easy to be with.

He helps me, even when I'm not easy to help.

He plans ahead.

He has enough of a nest egg to be able to hide money away for all the little and big things his family needs.

He has great credit, and a good reputation.

He speaks his mind, even when no one seems to be listening.

He takes his time, even when everyone else is rushing.

He says only what's on his mind, and other than times when he's whining at me, he rarely ever says anything other than exactly what he means to say..

He's not perfect at all..but..

He's stable..

He's secure..

He's loyal..

He's mature..

He doesn't really "need" anyone..

He keeps his commitments..

And clearly, I've always had a better connection and desire to please him and have him be proud of me, than I've ever had with my mom...

You see him as a true "Emperor"...

The irony that he sits in a big chair most all day, has a loving family that cares for him even when he sometimes says he doesn't want it - and is an Aries Sun (associated with the Emperor card)...well...you just can't make that stuff up, lol.

Things make so much sense knowing this.

Especially why when I'd try simply to reassure you that you are more than an Emperor when you are doing what you love - whether that's being a master automative electrician, a divine musician, a gorgeous enlightened masculine, or your nurturing Cancer mom-dad self...whatever part of you you're feeling called to stand in, has always been more than adequate for me.

Though now I see...it makes sense..

If you admire my dad..

It would make you feel sad to hear me talking bad about him, even though you'd understand why I would be mad at him..

Which is why you wouldn't argue with me..

You've seen the way he's been with me too..

Even stood up for me a few times..

Being my man..

Though you'd always say "He means well.."

I knew you were right.

Though at the time I hadn't yet worked to heal my own mother/father wounds.

I couldn't see what you saw.

Dear Cabbit, how we met the night before the day we met..

Dear Cabbit...

I just had the most amazing vision...it was of the night we met...the actual night...which was the night you got the Monte...the night you got super drunk... parked at your old freeway thinking spot.. and the fire dept came to wake you...

Spirit showed me... it's no coincidence you've felt like that's when we really met...like we met before the day we met in person...we really did meet that night...hell, you actually saw me in person a day or two before...when you were driving the silver Oldsmobile...you knew there was something about me...that called to you... something that didn't make sense...yet did...which is part of what triggered you...to allow yourself to feel how you felt...about how things had been going in your life at the time...and it was because you decided to just Embrace the Absurd, and go get that Monte Carlo - to do something for you...to let others do what they do, and do something fun for you...like buying your watch...and some of the silliest tools..lol

You listened to Spirit, and focused on yourself...you went to get that car... i can hear something like "Consequences be damned! I do a lot for everyone. This is for Me! I deserve this.", and then you went to get it...and you brought it back, eager to show it off...which most ppl were happy about...just not the one person you wanted most, to feel happy about it...to feel happy that you did something that made you happy...I don't know for sure, but I feel like you didn't even take the car to show her that first night...you either called and it didn't go well...or you imagined going to see her or calling her, and it not going well...you not being seen for the kind and loyal lover you've always been...and gave up on the idea before even trying...letting yourself give in to drinking instead...

Which is when I came to you...from the now...reaching back into then... realizing I was there... actually...it feels like I've been there even before then...with you in so many moments... encouraging you to stand in your truth...to stand in love...reminding you how worthy you are...even offering you cautions...whispering to you when others weren't being true...leaving you clues on where to find them...on what to look for...the inconsistencies... the strangeness in their energy... Do you ever think about those times, and feel like somehow even before you met me in person, you'd already learned the lessons we've been learning over the past years?

I don't have concrete proof of this...though I like the romantic notion of such an absurdly wonderful thing actually having happened...

Anyways...in the vision of you...in the Monte...thinking about how much you hated the way things had been going... About how much you wished for life to have more meaning then it did then... As you were finishing off your last drink...

Dear Cabbit, it all works out

Dear Cabbit..

I saw myself in a dream, writing to you many things. I also saw you writing to me, of many things. 

Then a friend suggested I write a journal, to give to you when we eventually reunite. That felt almost "right". So I thought about it for a while. Then, after I told you I was going to withdraw my priority focus & energy from you for a while, as you learn what you need to learn & prove to yourself what you feel you need to - this blog is that cooperative component.

It also dawned on me, while writing a Facebook post about realizing how each person comes into our lives to teach us something, and offer us opportunities to ask & answer your favorite question, "What do I want?" - that I know now, what we've teaching each other in this life time. 

It's a few things actually:

1. Genuinely Unconditional Love - For ourselves as much as each other.

2. We are Worthy & Adequate; Perfectly imperfect "flaws" & all.

3  We're always together & reflecting each other, even when we're not physically together.

4. Everything's gonna be alright - it all works out.

Then you sent me a message, in response to my authentic message to you, about feeling hurt by some of your recent choices & my decision to continue manifesting a future we will be proud of (that our future selves are already proud of) - you ended that message with "I hope everything works out for you".

Which, at first, hurt.

I felt you feeling like I was saying you weren't adequate.

I felt you feeling trapped in your current situation.