I know I've said many things in the past, that made it seem like I didn't want to expand our family.
I wish I could've been more direct with you, in simply saying "I'm scared.", as that was the truth, when we started talking about more permanent forms of birth control.
I thought I was being clear, in saying that if you really wanted another baby, I'd love to too - but I was worried about my body, and about me and you.
Though tbh, I'm kind of grateful, in a weird sort of way, that it didn't come across the way I'd intended. Cuz the truth is, neither of us was ready for another baby at that time. The three we have needed us and we weren't even able to give them our full attention and nurturing at that time - it wouldn't have been fair to have had another baby mixed up in there. For anyone.
Though now that we're growing...
Now that we are both starting to see what we're made of individually...
Now that you're learning how it's been for me...to be both mom and dad while your partner is off in another dimension...
Now that I can see how you felt when I was the one doing the abandoning...
Now that we're learning to look within for that validation...the self worth we always needed and thought had to come from others...
And now that we're working on our health; physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually...
I can see a whole new world in front of my eyes.
I can see the possibilities.
The opportunities.
And most definitely.
With my tarot and writing..
And how I'm loving embracing the badass mom and homemaker I am..
With you wanting to do most of the rest of the providing..
With us both focusing on building proper nest eggs...
With us both having short and long term plans...
I can see us being in a place where we're comfortable, secure, satisfied, and aligned with our inner beings enough to welcome a new life into our lives...
I can picture her tiny fingers...
Me teaching her baby sign language..
You teaching her to go "pinch..pinch.."
Our oldest daughter doing her hair and nails...while she tells us tails of her own life adventures as a young adult...
Our oldest son playing trains with her...talking about teaching her how to do her makeup one day..
Our youngest son playing cars with her...and pulling out his baby doll and stroller...learning to be an awesome big brother...
I can see us in the hospital...
The way we were with our youngest son..
You holding her just after she's pulled from my stomach...
With that look in your eyes that I love so much...I look at the old pictures and I will cry happy tears...
I can see my body in a much healthier state.
Especially now that I've gotten away from the allopathic doctors, and my own vices.
I can see neither of us smoking, except once in a while for that head rush - just to laugh about when we were teens and first experienced such things...
I can see us both being emotionally, financially, and spiritually ready.
I'm thinking about writing such a thing, into the story of us I'm writing about...where so far, our oldest daughter was the only child we had in our first lifetime, but because of the curse put on us by our parents and exes, we would always be connected to her, but in an estranged way - like we are now.
Then I wrote that our oldest son's were 'signs' of the prophecy coming true - of us finally having all the keys to be able to break the curse for good, and finally be free...to finally be able to enjoy the story of us without fear or guilt or shame..
And if I write Julie into it..
I think I'd do it, to where she'd be the confirmation...
Not a part of the old prophecy...
Instead, she'd be a part of the new beginning we're Manifesting.
Which would be fitting of the actual circumstances going on in our lives right now.
And we'd both have to be in a place of being very clear about what we want and why - cuz to go in and get your 'special guys', would either way require a likely painful procedure that should be taken lightly...
Nor should bringing a new life into the world...
And just to be clear - I'm in an open state.
I'm thinking about what kind of life i would love to have up ahead.
So I'm not stuck in some static place where it has to be one way or another.
Just as I know you're learning to do to.
So this isn't some requirement.
I'll be happy no matter which way life takes us...and no matter what we decide.
I just wanted you to know...whenever you see this...that I'm down for that rollercoaster ride 😉
Forever, Always, and Completely Yours,
~Empress
