Dear Cabbit....thinking about Julie...

I know that much of your thoughts about wanting another baby...are more about "sellers remorse"...so to speak... Itsy one of your flaws that's I've always found both adorable and frustrating. Either way, I've been thinking... daydreaming too...about what it might be like to have another baby with you...

I know I've said many things in the past, that made it seem like I didn't want to expand our family.

I wish I could've been more direct with you, in simply saying "I'm scared.", as that was the truth, when we started talking about more permanent forms of birth control.

I thought I was being clear, in saying that if you really wanted another baby, I'd love to too - but I was worried about my body, and about me and you.

Though tbh, I'm kind of grateful, in a weird sort of way, that it didn't come across the way I'd intended. Cuz the truth is, neither of us was ready for another baby at that time. The three we have needed us and we weren't even able to give them our full attention and nurturing at that time - it wouldn't have been fair to have had another baby mixed up in there. For anyone.

Dear Cabbit, you're such a copycat...but I love it...lol

My Dearest Cabbit.

You're so funny.

Even when you're not trying to, you're copying me.

I mean really, a "no pants at home rule?"

I tried to set that rule for you 3 times; once in the apt, once in the blue house, and then again at the yellow house - though that once was modified to being in the rv and in the bedroom - for obvious reasons, lol

I know you know you this.

Even if it didn't kick in consciously, when you first joked about it.

Heck, even if you still don't remember consciously, I know it was the real you - whose still partially stuck in another dimension.

And yes,

I also know it was a joke.

Not only cuz I'm a cool psychic like that, but also cuz your still my 'choir boy' - with so many conservative and inhibited sides you've only ever shown me.

Even the joking about such a thing, is something I know is special between us...

*Sigh*

Merlin... I'm sitting in your thinkin spot...laughing quietly to myself about how you act so offended that I would 'steal' it...as if I'm really THAT powerful..or that mean...lol

Dear Cabbit, strange dreams, intuitive communication, ancestral warnings, bartending, and the absurdity of embracing being "single"...

It's so cold today, I've been using a blanket pulled over the oil heater and onto my lap. Reminds me of back at the Shoreline house, when you showed me how to use the oven to stay warm...I still remember the first time you untucked your undershirt to get the warmth up onto your tummy and chest...it's nice to remember...anyways...I had two weird dreams last night...the first was about your white Truck, acting like Christine (the Fury II) from the movie. It was super pissed, and was trying to drive into your house. It didn't tell me what it was so pissed about, but I get the sense that it doesn't like the idea of you letting anyone use it long term in general, but especially not anyone who is likely to get in trouble when driving it...I don't know if that's it for sure, but it certainly makes me want to help look for a new vehicle...

The second dream was even stranger...I was in your house...in the "kids living room", and there was a display case of animals across the wall. It was mostly different types of rodents. Ginea Pigs, Gerbils, Rats, Mice, Ferrets, and stuff like that. No rabbits that I saw, and no cats. Just smaller rodents, in different tanks. The display case was the kind you'd see at a petco or some place like that. I'm wondering if it's something to do with more pets coming into your house...what do you think?

I noticed yesterday, how many ways we were able to understand each other without words needing to be spoken. Which is something I know we both wished for - intuitive understanding. I really like that we have that. That we have had that. That it's increasing, especially as we both choose to make good self care choices that bring us into clear, healthy, and more consistently sober alignments. Hell, even without those paths, our intuitive communication is already getting stronger.

Dear Cabbit, how we met the night before the day we met..

Dear Cabbit...

I just had the most amazing vision...it was of the night we met...the actual night...which was the night you got the Monte...the night you got super drunk... parked at your old freeway thinking spot.. and the fire dept came to wake you...

Spirit showed me... it's no coincidence you've felt like that's when we really met...like we met before the day we met in person...we really did meet that night...hell, you actually saw me in person a day or two before...when you were driving the silver Oldsmobile...you knew there was something about me...that called to you... something that didn't make sense...yet did...which is part of what triggered you...to allow yourself to feel how you felt...about how things had been going in your life at the time...and it was because you decided to just Embrace the Absurd, and go get that Monte Carlo - to do something for you...to let others do what they do, and do something fun for you...like buying your watch...and some of the silliest tools..lol

You listened to Spirit, and focused on yourself...you went to get that car... i can hear something like "Consequences be damned! I do a lot for everyone. This is for Me! I deserve this.", and then you went to get it...and you brought it back, eager to show it off...which most ppl were happy about...just not the one person you wanted most, to feel happy about it...to feel happy that you did something that made you happy...I don't know for sure, but I feel like you didn't even take the car to show her that first night...you either called and it didn't go well...or you imagined going to see her or calling her, and it not going well...you not being seen for the kind and loyal lover you've always been...and gave up on the idea before even trying...letting yourself give in to drinking instead...

Which is when I came to you...from the now...reaching back into then... realizing I was there... actually...it feels like I've been there even before then...with you in so many moments... encouraging you to stand in your truth...to stand in love...reminding you how worthy you are...even offering you cautions...whispering to you when others weren't being true...leaving you clues on where to find them...on what to look for...the inconsistencies... the strangeness in their energy... Do you ever think about those times, and feel like somehow even before you met me in person, you'd already learned the lessons we've been learning over the past years?

I don't have concrete proof of this...though I like the romantic notion of such an absurdly wonderful thing actually having happened...

Anyways...in the vision of you...in the Monte...thinking about how much you hated the way things had been going... About how much you wished for life to have more meaning then it did then... As you were finishing off your last drink...