I was listening to a tarot reading for your Vedic sun sign, that really hit home..
You drive me nuts! You know...
In the reading, it talked about how I am most literally a NEW energy even though I'm an 'old' partner (and not just old as in this lifetime, old as in multiple lifetimes old). It talked about how hard I've been trying, to simply show you I'm being loyal, doing my work on myself, not imposing on you, and trying to figure out how you're feeling, so I don't step on your emotional landmines anymore.
Though the reading also clearly laid out, that as well as I do know you - I know you have HUGE trust issues. Some to do with me, but most occuring well before me. I see it. I feel it...especially when you're so scornful of me...which I know I'm not deserving of. Out of all the things I own that I have done, I've not done anything to earn such behavior from you.
Though I know more about what you've been through, than anyone else. I also know a part of you better than you know it yourself - your inner being. Something you rarely let anyone see - and with good reason. Especially in the current situation you're in. I get it..I get it..
I don't like it.
I hate it. Very much.
It tears me up.
And not even the unfairness to me so much; though knowing you're still blaming me for your choices does seriously suck. Moreso for me, it's seeing you in the situation your in...you being so locked up...
Beating yourself up..
Telling yourself I'm too good for you..
Letting yourself get used and exhausting yourself trying to fill up everyone else's cup...
Except your own families..
That sucks..
You not being the dad to our kids that I know you really are...
I know you're in great pain..
To behave in such a way..
I know you've locked up the real you in another dimension...
Thinking that's what you have to do..
To keep from messing things up more than they already are...
You're so hard on yourself..
I pray for speeding up of the day you can let yourself breath...let yourself see...and feel...and think of yourself in kinder ways..
To put down the mask...
For good..
The tarot reading said you will eventually come around..
Most of them say the same thing...
So long as I can be brave...
Do the thing that's hardest for me...
Let you struggle..
Let Spirit drag you through the mud...
With no opportunity for victim based "outs"...
Until you've finally learned self love..
Without my assistance..
Which you tell everyone else is interference..
Even though I know you don't really feel that way..
Though that's why Spirit is saying I need to let you learn these lessons...
Cuz you're still playing your old games..
Believing it's easier to blame me..
Blame the Queen of Swords..
Let everyone else choose for you..
So if it doesn't work out..
You can say "it's not on me!"
Even though you and everyone else knows that's not true - cuz if you let it happen, it's on you too..
Though that's where you are right now..
Back where you were when I called for separation...
And Spirit is saying, "No. No. No. This won't do. You asked for healing, and that's what you're gonna do!"
And since Spirit's offered you a plethora of help...
Through me...
Through your family..
Through your friends...
Through the Golden Doctor...
Through tons of synchronisties and signs..
So now it's time for you to take a short leg of this journey on your own.
Where you learn that being "alone" isn't the worst thing that could happen...
Being honest and accountable is easier when you haven't lied or tried to run so far from it at first...
And that there are plenty of people on this Earth, who aren't out to get you..
Who won't hurt you...
Who can be trusted...
Most importantly... yourself..
I do have to laugh a little though..
Cuz of all the confirmations that came in this particular tarot reading...
The funnest were two:
That once you stop fighting yourself and Spirit..
Once you have no more ways to claim I'm the "enemy" with some absurd immature agenda..
You'll see that I've grown in ways you never imagined a person could.
That it wasn't all you.
That I had growing to do to.
Then when you choose it...
Oh boy...is it gonna be kinky..
Which I know you're missing..
I am too..
That was something I never wanted to explore with anyone but you...
Something that made me very sad..
To think about doing without you..
Which triggered so many of my own insecurities...I had us both convinced I could do it without you...
Maybe I'll be able to one day...
Though I meant it when I said I'm not interested in any such things with anyone else... and why right now, it's on the "maybe someday list"...if that...
Ugh.
Rabble.
Already I feel pathetic just writing this.
I've felt more empowered the past few days...having learned that I don't need anyone to "complete" me...
Though that doesn't mean I don't still set you as my true love...
I wanted to say that..
As you were trying so hard to trap me into some reactive response...prove myself to be another slimy person who just wanted to hurt you...or who has no self discipline...or like I wanted to somehow show off...
I tried so hard to write out the heads up to you...in a way that was kind...that was real...but wouldn't trigger you so hard...
I knew it would trigger you on some level..
As it's so much of a repeat of some of our old cycles...and yours before me..
But I also knew what we've been doing was getting us back into "limbo land"...
That if I wasn't willing to do the hard thing...for us both...
That the real healing would just be delayed...
Still...it hurt..
To write it..
To send it..
To see your response..
To be sitting here now..
Writing in a blog instead of reconciling with you...
Though it had to be done..
And but just for you.
I meant it when I said I'm done with that codepedent side of me that falls on all your swords.
I'm doing it for me too.
And clearly I need this.
Cuz just the anxiety I feel...
At the thought of not being able to chat with you for a whole day..or two...or even a week..that really depends on you...
That's unhealthy too..
And that shows I've still got work to do..
Cuz just as I deserve the real you without any masks - whose healed of his past...
You deserve a woman who really trusts you..
Who has faith in you to not just survive the struggle...to come out the other end thriving...
A faith that can only come from me...
Once I no longer feel so miserable when you aren't able to put the words together to talk to me like a human being who isn't out to get you...
*Sigh*
You know...
For no one else..
Have I ever felt so silly...
So pathetic..
I wouldn't call it obsessed..
Though it's close...
Hell...
Even just admitting that much...
That I've always felt such a pull to you since the day we met..
Has been such a struggle to be honest about...
It's hurt so many times..
To know that I've found the courage to be authentic with you in all the ways I was afraid to be before...cuz I was as afraid of rejection as you have been with me...
Only to be thrown into this limbo zone of rejection and acceptance...
To the point where I have to choose between the comfort of our old patterns...
Or upholding my committments to myself and to you...
To do the healthy thing..
And be willing to go on a while without you...
The tears don't come as hard or fast as they used...though they still come... especially now..
I feel like a dick..
Sitting around..
Struggling with myself..
Between "I'd settle for the rest of my life if I could just talk to you every day..."
And "No...no... that's going the wrong say...that's backwards...that doesn't show change... it's bad boundaries...and not at all appealing to you anyways..."
Cuz as funny as you are about making a big deal about my standards.
I know they are exactly what you find so attractive about me...
What you find attractive in most anyone.
When someone loves themselves enough to know what they want..
When someone won't put up with your bs.
Yet someone who also won't be a complete b*tch who never understands and never stops to think about what you want or need...
Which can only come from a partner who is healthy...healed..
So I'll do my work..
Write in this blog to keep the anxiety at bay...
Leave you to your rabbles...and mud..
Shaking my head at myself..
For sitting at your thinkin spot..
For sitting at home doing tarot readings just to see if your safe...if you're okay...
Writing and rewriting things..
Talking to my friends about you day after day...just trying to give you the space I know you need...
Trying to find anything to think about but you...and finding anything I do find...I want to tell you about to...
It makes me laugh at myself..
In so many ways...
And then at you..
Especially for thinking my head's up about potential future playmates was just about getting laid, or finding someone of high enough "caliper"..
When my only intention was to show you understanding...loyalty...and healthy boundaries...like anyone who actually loves you...will do..
And really...wtf?
I mean...
I could have my pick of so many partners...for all sorts of different enjoyable arrangements...
All of which could be satisfying for a while, at least...
Which I don't say to be conceited...
That's just what I proved to music through pursuing other dynamics...when I was still trying to fall on tht sword for both of us...and ended up making you think your comparable...and that I don't need you...
Which ironically...I've learned, that while I "need" you in a very deep way...I don't need anyone...to love myself the way you somehow thought I already did...that attracted you to me to begin with...
With no surprise, that's part of what I found appealing about you too..
I thought you knew..
That you are worthy..
When I met you..
Though with me having learned that about myself...why can't I take my mind off of you?
And why can't you take your mind off of me?
And don't pretend you're not thinking about me often.
I know just about everything the Queen of Swords does, reminds you of me - the good, the bad, everything.
Which I know, not just because you tell me enough to confirm it, but because I know you only even took the jump you did, because you want me and thought I was done - and now you feel like you have to prove to yourself, me, and the QoS, that you're different.
That you've learned all the lessons you didn't have the gumption to put forth with me until I was so mad I played my own part as the reversed Queen of Hearts.
Which is just another thing that drives me nuts... you're the only one I've ever made such mistakes with...
The only one I ever wanted to "prove" myself too...
To prove that after all you've been through..
That my love is true...
That it can be trusted...
That it requires no pursuit...
No eyes in the back of your head..
No anxieties from morning until bed...
Though because I've such a fool for you..
I've messed up a lot too...
Though I suppose that makes you pretty lucky in some ways...
Cuz I know I'm the only one you know..
Whose willing the face the consequences of anything and everything I've ever done.
And not just for "love".
Because that's the kind of person I am.
Something I've proven to myself enough times to know no matter how hard it is... it's worth it..
I'm worth it.
Being free of such old baggage.
Cuz that's what I've learned that being accountable does.
It frees us up.
I know you're learning that too...
Though until you're ready to show it..
I will remain on what feels like the other end of the universe...
Working on me..
Praying for my Cabbit...
To finally find happiness within..
Cuz that..
My Dearest Cabbit...
Is the ultimate "win/win"..
