Dear Cabbit...the first step is the hardest, and you've already taken it...allow the cycles to close...

My Dearest...

I know you feel like you're struggling right now...

Esp w/you still having the second scariest karmic to get out of your house...

Thankfully, you have already take many first steps - which are the hardest ones.

I know you've even taken several steps to tell her that you're done w/her.

So it feels like the next "first step", is into authenticity - into standing in your truth, and owning your bs.

Dear Cabbit....approaching full 360...

I realized something in the last few days my love...

That this 360 energy, that kicked off when you got storage #360...cuz you were afraid to end up where you were when I met you...

Well....when you got it, you sent up a rocket that started manifesting everything you went through w/the ex wife....like literally everything...

And not even just when we met...

Dear Cabbit...the coming Towers of the Lionsgate Portal...time to free yourself...

Oh honey...
This energy is so funny...
As you can see from previous posts, I'm feeling it too...
Old issues resurfacing...
New issues appearing...

There's a lot going on..
And there's some big stuff to come...
Especially as the 8/8/2020 Lionsgate Portal approaches...

Dear Cabbit...the Reggae Concert...and the 360...

I think I finally understood something a few minutes ago...
I was thinking about the Reggae Concert you said you wanted to go to a summer or so ago...
Where you didn't want me to go...and fought really hard to get me to not want to go and not want to figure out why you didn't want me to go...
It dawned on me...
That you have acted the same way w/me and all the hiding of things...
As you did when we first moved into the apartments, and your first ex and CT were having an affair, and asked you not to tell me, cuz you worried I would tell your friends girlfriend and daughters mom...
And the same way you acted a few weekends ago...
When you tried to suggest to me you should bring the kids home early cuz you were going to your sisters and a certain friend was going w/you, and you didn't know how late you would be...
Which I saw right through, and called your bluff by telling you that you could have them out as late as you liked, and then not asking for any details about what was going on...
Then when you dropped them off, you were drunk as a skunk and admitted that you'd also had your ex-wife over doing things w/that particular friend.

Dear Cabbit...interesting syncs today...

This morning I woke up nearly exactly at 5am.
I saw from the msgr thing, that you'd be online at 2am...
Somehow I knew from that...that you'd been in some conflict w/at least one of the "Roommates"...
It's funny...my good friend and I have been calling them that now too - "the roommates".
Not even "your roommates" or "his roommates".
Just "the" roommates.
Getting further towards detachment to them in any of our lives in thought and word...

Anyways...
When I woke up, I kept hearing "Beyond" by Leon Bridges...
The part where he says, "Do you think it's foolish if I don't rush in?"
and "I'm scared to death that she might be it...that the shoe might fit...will she have my kids? Will she be my wife?"

Dear Cabbit...the emotional complexity with filing for child support...

It's funny...
It was 3 days ago, when I was talking to a friend about my plans to move the boys and I out.
I made a joke about how that was likely only going to happen when I could force myself to file child support.
That became curious and asked me why I didn't want to file for it.
Which started off a cascade of thoughts that are still going in and out of my mind.

One of my first thoughts, was about how interesting it is, that just about everybody I know, would've already filed when the fighting began and been all too happy to have been getting their cut and using it to do things their way with the kids.
Not me though...
I thought about it during that week it was time for you to leave.

Dear Cabbit...the reason I'm not in a rush nor worried...

You know...
Since you left...
I've thought a fair amount about that first time we went out to a bar together...
After my 21st bday...when you took me out w/your earliest ex...and she was dancing all over your lap while I was over playing pool...watching...and hurting cuz that didn't feel like something I was welcome to do w/you...and feeling disrespected...not so much by her...but by your lack of desire to tell her that wasn't nice to do to you, when she knows you're taken.
Especially considering that she was only doing it to make her boy toy of the moment jealous; meaning she was using all of us, to create drama for her own entertainment.

There are still many things I don't fully understand about that day.
Though there's something that came out of it then, that I'm finding myself w/an upgraded understanding of - which is the attitude I attempted to practice that night; not worrying about it, cuz I knew you were going home w/me at the end of the night, and going to keep coming home to me all the nights after that.

I remember when you gave me a shy and ambiguous acknowledgement that your "friend" was all over you at the bar while I watched...and I quickly told you it was fine, cuz I knew who you were going home with.