Dear Cabbit...something feels...changed...

I have so many thoughts floating through my mind...
Like a flock of purple ducks...more like purple swans...floating in sync w/each other, and yet totally not doing the same things at all...

I've tried to post about several of these thoughts...
Though I think for today...keeping my commitment to myself, to become more consistent...is what I'm going to prioritize...

So for the sake of that consistency, I'm simply going to answer what feels like a few of the questions you're telepathically sending me...and say that I can feel you growing...and it's beautiful...I know you're so close...and are going to see that what has felt like "small steps" this whole time, has actually been the imperfectly perfect sized steps to get you to the next few big steps you're about to take...

So...
It feels like you've been asking me, "Do you still even want me?"
Yes. Silly.

Dear Cabbit...something has changed in the air...

My psychic senses can only take me so far...
So I'm not 100% sure if what I'm sensing is what's happening or not...
Though I'm definitely feeling some big things happening...
And weirdly...
It feels like the readings being shown to me...
Have been changing in a very interesting way...
The stories the readers connect w/and tell...
Seem to be matching the story of us...
From when we first met...
Where the karmic was your ex wife...
Rather than anyone in the circus...

Then the readings switch around...

Dear Cabbit...when our youngest realized when you weren't coming home for a long time...

You know...
I was thinking about this blog yesterday.
When I decided to write it, I had intended for it to be more of a place to talk about the day to day stuff, among the emotional stuff. Though it's moreso become a place to put my feelings and intuitions about what's going on w/our story.
Though I think that's going to evolve more today.

Especially after the convo I had in the car w/our youngest.

He'd been begging me since yesterday, to take him to the dollar store to get swimming goggles and then to the park to swim. I told him we would definitely go today.
It was late when I finally was ready to take him.
We left to go to the dollar store first, and I decided to put on the radio.
I had to laugh at several of the songs that came on.
"Maybe I'm amazed" by Paul McCarney...
"I wanna dance w/somebody" by Whitney Houston...
And then...of course...

Dear Cabbit...What the heart wants...smoking cigarettes....

Dearest Cabbit...
I've been thinking about the song you sent me the other day....
Smoking Cigarettes at night....
Wondering where you been...
Can't really cope w/this...
Waiting for us to come together again...
Wrapped up in thoughts of our first kiss...

I realized something funny about that song...
Which is very fitting since spirit showed it to you and you sent it to me before you even listened to it through all the way, just cuz of the title of it...and our funny history...
I realized that all the things she sings about, are not just how I'm feeling...
They're how you're feeling...
Thinking about me...
Feeling like you want to be back together already...
To stop playing this game of separation...

Dear Cabbit...writing but not publishing...

I have so many mostly completed posts I've been writing to you over the past couple of weeks.

Though either they got into things I didn't feel brave enough to leave on the internet, or no longer felt right to continue writing.

Funny enough, just the consistency of writing to you regularly, even w/o you consciously recognizing I'm doing it, feels more important than anything I actually write in here.

Funny, huh?

Anyways my Cabbit...
I see you.

Dear Cabbit...I've been writing this blog for 5 months...crazy eh?

Dear Cabbit...
I find myself feeling both exausted and restless right now...
I think I'm starting to really discern the difference between you're anxiety about me not reaching out...
And my own anxiety about not reaching out to you...
It's an interesting feeling...
Especially after being so used to talking to you nearly every day for 15 years...
This blog has helped some...
As absurd as it is...
Though I do admit...
In many ways, it sucks looking at the views and seeing none there...
Meaning you haven't remembered it's here yet...
I know you will at some point...
And when I was rolling through the posts I've made...
I had two funny thoughts...

Dear Cabbit...Embracing the Absurd...feeling ready to be ready...

It feels absurd...
Especially w/so little tangible evidence...
But I feel like you're coming back soon...
Very quickly in fact...
And not superficially...
Genuinely...
Appreciatively...
Gratefully...
In the right way...
Making things up to our kids first...
Then making sure you show me what I mean to you...
And always have...

Wich as I said...I looked up and noticed the most adorable tiny little bunnie...chewing on a cherry tree leaf in the driveway in front of me...rabbits are one of your primary totems...Cabbit...
Whenever I see them...I always think of you...
Or find I'm already thinking of you...

Anyways...
Regardless of whether it's absurd or not...
Or if there's more hurt along the way or not...
I feel confident, calm, and content...in just feeling settled about waiting for you.
In having faith in you.
And in us.