Dear Cabbit...the first ring...what a memory...

Yesterday...as I was walking and ranting to my voice recorder...

I was crying and asking myself why I believed that you ever had feelings for me...

And what kept coming into my mind...was the memory...of you coming up to me when I sat on the counter by the stove in the shoreline house I used to live in...and you put...what I still swear, was your fathers blue sapphire ring on my finger...I even put it on the "none wedding" hand...not assuming you meant it as anything other than an "I like you gift"...and you spoke up...and said that it belongs on the RIGHT finger...the wedding finger...

That memory still lingers today...

It feels like a promise you made...

One it feels like you've taken back a thousand times...even before I let your friend convince me to give it back to you in a dramatic display of upsetness at how you'd been treating me...yet...it still feels like a promise that my heart holds onto...the way you looked at me...the way you gave it to me...the way you kissed me when I wore it and smiled...the way you looked so sad when I put it back in your hand...praying you would grab my hand and put it back on and say, "baby...please...wait for me..."

I have dreams about you doing that w/the rings you got to propose to me w/last year...or nightmares really...little stories and fantasies my mind tortures me with...the fantasy that you might ride to me in the night...like so many readers have predicted...and put that ring on my finger..and say sorry for being such an incredible jerk to me...and ask me...if there's any incredible way I can wait for you...to free yourself from the mess you've made....

Crazy, huh?

Dear Cabbit...our youngest wants to make breakfast...cuz he's feeling 'generous'...

Though nothing else feels right..

Not working on the website for my growing business...

Not calling my friends...

Not even laying down and going to sleep...to at least pretend I can not care for a while...

Just doing this...just writing to you...for no apparent reason that makes any sense to any sane person...

But I'm gonna do it...until it doesn't feel right anymore...

Until then...I want to tell you about a conversation I just had w/our youngest when I was in the kitchen...before the moment w/the window and the rain and the weeping earth...

He told me that he "must" make breakfast for everyone today.

Dear Cabbit...rain and cheesecake oreos...

As I finished that last post...and let the waterfalls free themselves from my eyes...I decided to go inside and get more coffee...and something to put in my tummy...cuz despite the fact that I feel repulsed by the idea of eating...my body still screams at me if I go too long w/o eating...and what really sucks about that...is I never feel "full"...like I'm always starving...just less starving when I eat something...which is how it felt when you first left...not just this year...all the times 19 years ago...every time you left...and it feels that way now...as I can feel you "leaving" me again...temporary or not...

And when I went to look out the kitchen window...and stared at some liquor on the counter, thinking about if that would take away the pain...for a little while...I saw that it had begun pour outside...and I heard the phrase, "when you weep...the earth weeps with you..."

Then I saw some cheesecake oreos on the counter...and that reminded me of Cabbie...and the nights you made sure you had some carrot cake oreos...and were telling me you were going to come find me for your bday...it feels like it's time for another cabbie and whiskey night...

I hope you share it w/me this time too...

Though I won't expect it...having such expectations w/you...hurt...

Dear Cabbit...I'm all over the place today...why?

Really...I've been all over the place for days...

I was in a good place this weekend, even w/the curveballs you threw me...

And confident about holding the boundaries I set...

I could see what was coming this week...the quiet...the strangeness...the emotions...the releasing...

Then it really hit me...

A few nights ago...

The crying...the resentments...the drop...

Dear Cabbit...I have released you...the old you, that is...

There is the oracle card that a lot of readers pull up - it says "release your ex"...

A fitting suggestion w/all the energy of this year being "return of the ex's"...lol

I realized months ago, that also included releasing you and you releasing me...though it didn't feel right to just write you off, and release faith in us...until I realized that it wasn't that I need to release "you", but I do need to release the old you...and the old stories...and stop beating the drum that says you're toxic, and immature, and abandoning us, and being a dick...the old you that hasn't chosen or prioritized me...or the boys...not even your daughter...

Dear Cabbit...I want it all to be "easy"....

 I had more audio dreams this morning...this time you and I were talking about the coparenting stuff...and you were afraid that I want a whole bunch of complicated "fine print"...and I told you, "I don't want it to be that way. It is that way, cuz you have trouble seeing what the simple healthy stuff is...like...I want to be able to just say, "have empathy for them, and be healthy w/them", but you don't seem to naturally do that...like when it comes to you and her being intimate around the kids; hers as well. That's just fucked up to all of them, and you know it, cuz you had to deal w/that growing up, and weren't allowed to have feelings about it. So how can you do that to any kids, esp your own? And w/things like letting her be rude when your son is trying to talk to you, and when you are trying to

Dear Cabbit...trying new things...

The other day...I had a total meltdown...

Though I didn't give up...not even when our youngest wanted to go out...and I was afraid I would break down and cry around him...instead...I tried something new...I told him ahead of time, that I was emotional...and grieving and missing you...and that I wanted to go to a diff park where there would be less ppl, cuz I might cry...maybe even a lot...he was so good...and agreed we could go to a different park, rather than the one he loves...and didn't get scared when I was emotional...