I really pity you at this point Cabbit.
Even moreso than I am disappointed in you.
You've had so many opportunities to do right by everyone - esp your boys & me.
Yet time & time again, you've chosen to put your fear, greed, ego, and toxicity first.
I do have faith you'll come around eventually.
Though it breaks my heart that their is a much higher likelihood of you throwing a total tantrum and dropping even deeper into your darkness before you'll choose to do right by your boys andor everyone else who loves you that you've screwed over in your mess making.
Not just your current mess making, but throughout all the years we've been together really.
Which I can forgive you for, but my forgiveness is not that which you need to earn - it's our oldest sons.
He's the one whose been hurt most by your bad choices, and my choice to enable them b/cuz I love you and saw your potential to be an honorable man and honorable father.
Now it is two days before Father's Day, and I can see why spirit has set things up the way they are.
I've offered you the opps to talk w/me and make good decisions on your own. Finding myself exploding and dropping into lower vibs in an attempt to not be "too much" in simply holding you to your promise of talking, warm friendship, and you healing whatever it is within you that causes you to fear I'm trying to control you or interfere in your life.
I offered the final one yesterday morning - which I know was clear: grow up and stop being a coward, or forget everything. Having the boys for the summer. for the weekends, any friendship w/me...which brings to my mind you saying you don't want to be enemies - which is funny, cuz you've dropped so low your not worthy of being my enemy currently, but it will probably feel like it when all I can muster around you is apathy as I apply for the $1230+/mo child support that I'll need to have them for the summer since I can't just go work & earn my own income; which I've been avoiding doing, cuz I know it will likely mean you losing either your house and your displacement relationship/family, and I didn't want you to have a reason to blame me for that. Though I don't care enough at this point, to hold back anymore, and I'm exhausted from trying to go at your pace and put up w/your bad choices.
So now, you can blame me all you like.
The state will be sure to enforce child support no matter where you go.
Which means either you buck up, get your shit together, and do right by your boys & me now.
Or we go through the court systems and they will do the work to police you; both in paying your hefty child support and in putting their needs first - whether that's garnishing your wages and having a court appointed child psych come in to supervise your visits w/them at YOUR house, or going after you legally and financially if you try to hide or run away.
Which will mean pay your dues and grow up, or spend your life in poverty trying to avoid it - which would put you right back where you were when I met you.
Living out of cars that died in various places around the city, getting drunk to stay warm more than to forget how your ex wife treated you.
Not even able to afford an xmas gift for your young daughter; which I went out of my way to get you a teddy bear to give her, so that if nothing else, that xmas wasn't one she'd remember as the year her daddy wasn't there and didn't even get her a gift.
And back then, you were 23. You definitely could've done more and made better choices.
Now, you'll be 42 in a few weeks.
And if me applying for full child support and holding the boys back until you make healthier choices results in you ending up back in your run down cars around the city - b/c you put your ego, drinking, and dick first - which will likely result in you losing your job too - cuz you work w/cars and breathilizers and they are very no-nonsense about that...so, if that happens, you'll have little if any sympathy from your own family or friends.
Not just b/c I've never been like your ex wife and b/c they've seen how loving and kind and patient I've been w/you, but cuz you've screwed them over for years, and showed them all how you did it, when you abandoned us and them, to make the mess you've made and put your karmic family first.
When I met you, you still had sisters and friends who would gladly offer you their couches.
If nothing else, you always had your mom to take you in for a little while.
Though she was ironically, after so many years of helping to turn you into who you are, was at least healthy about not enabling your drinking and victimhood, by not letting you stay for long.
Telling you to get your life together and do right by your daughter (who was your only child at the time).
Now you really don't have any of those things, as you used them up in throwing tantrums and trying to hurt me for demanding you grow up.
Which, when you came back and promised to grow up and work things out, you were already afraid to come back because you feared you'd never again be able to go to those friends if we didn't work out. Which was bs for many reasons, along w/all the reasons you thought you needed such backup plans. Which you openly admitted was not because of anything I was doing, but because of your fear that I might turn into your ex wife and screw you over.
You even had that nightmare about having to live out of your storage.
Which I tried to remind you of when I saw Spirit trying to warn you to turn yourself around.
Though you didn't listen then, and now are manifesting the situation you feared.
Except that now - it's neither me nor your ex wife who can be blamed for why you'll have no support or sympathy from anyone.
It'll be only you.
And between Spirit preventing it for it's own purposes, and me naming the terms of the life debts you owe me - you won't be able to skip out on going through the coming humbling experiences via suicide or risky behavior.
Yes, you might get extremely sick from all your drinking and treating your body like shit.
Might even end up in the hospital or in rehab.
And if you keep drinking and driving, and acting in the ways you've been, you could end up in serious accidents or hurt others in ways that change the way you live the rest of your life.
Who knows at this point.
It really depends on how much you decide to feed your ego, not face your fears, learn your karmic lessons, or atone with those you've hurt in your biggest tantrum ever.
It also depends on how determined you are to hide yourself away in the bottom of the bottles and blame everyone else for why your life sucks.
Which, I can tell by our youngests drawing of you yelling about how you couldn't sleep and there was too much noise and glasses getting broken, that you are miserable.
Not that the amount you drink isn't all that's needed to see that you're miserable.
Though if there was any question, that confirmed it.
Anyways....dearest...
While I'm pissed at you right now...
And hurt enough to actually be able to pull away...
I still have faith you will come around...
It's just going to take some further absurdity...
Esp as spirit is telling me to go ahead and let you sit in your mess, and in some ways to reflect your own game back at you.
Then to watch as Spirit puts the "big squeeze" on you...
Financially...romantically...physically...
Legally...professionally...familially...
spiritually...financially...socially...
materialistically...
It's showing me it's amplifying things....
That there is "interferance", but it's not from me...it's from "Inner Fears Amped"...
Primarily yours and hers...
And it's using your fears to send you two each towards your actual divine partners, as you've both been avoiding your healing and enabling each in avoiding it and remaining toxic....
So now...w/this merc retro and all the eclipses...
Your starting to see the first of your biggest losses....
First being the ppl who actually love you...who you love most and want to be with.
For you...that's me...for her, it's probably her ex in cali...or her kids dad...and her sister...
Then it's assets...for you it's the explorer no matter what way you shake it..not sure for her...
Then it's your connection w/your kids...
Now it's starting to squeeze you even more financially...which Spirit was already doing before...but since you didn't listen and thought you could cut corners to just make more...it's showing you flashes of just how bad it can get if you don't change...
It's been adding in legal dangers...though those are getting amped too...
For her it's an increased risk of going back to jail when she goes to court this week in cali...
Which will definitely happen if she doesn't go cuz of some fear you'll leave or cheat...
For you it's the risk of cps charges, court appointed supervisors, dealing w/dcs, violating your lease agreement even more, and how to get your karmic off the lease once you "wake up".
It'll then become a professional squeeze...
Which for you will at minimum mean your work will see how much you're getting screwed by child support...for which you'll have to admit has happened cuz you weren't showing up for them financially, emotionally, or physically and that I stopped holding back because of it, so now you have to pay out of your bratty butt for it.
Your addictions are being amplified too, by all the changes happening so fast...
And also cuz of your fears of abandonment and inadequcy...
Which for both of you, is about her leaving for cali...
Especially if she did cheat before...
Though that insecurity would still be amped for you, cuz you've not healed when that happened to you in the past w/your ex wife, or witnessing it happen when you were a kid...
I'd imagine for your karmic it's very similar...
Either way, this will likely lead to 2 things: 1. You get so drunk/high that it starts to effect you showing up for work and increases your volatility at home, and 2. You'll not be able to hold it in very long at all cuz of the planets, which will mean you'll both go off on each other in an attempt to maintain control in the relationship, which will backfire...
Then she'll go on her trip, and you'll both likely truly be "alone"...
None of your kids will be w/either of you...
None of your ex's or friends either...
None of your family...
It's likely something will keep your coworkers from connecting to...
So you can truly experience what it feels like to feel isolated and unsupported...
Which you both lament has been happening all your life...which hasn't actually been true in a very long time...at least not by way of anything outside of your control...
That nightmare I had when you first left, comes to mind also.
With you ending up in some mental hospital or rehab, while your karmic and her sister clean you out for everything you have...like they did w/the guys before you that they used just the same...
You even told me yourself when you first jumped in w/them, that your karmic acted like she didn't know it was bad to use guys the ways she was, or to use sex to get what she wants...
That's not something you heal overnight, nor was it likely that cut and dry in her mind, nor is she going to heal w/a man as unhealed as you.
Which likely means she'll also end up somewhere she'll be required to sober up and heal for real.
I only know so much of herstory, but I can see a couple of ways Spirit might make that happen.
Which would be good in the long run, but at the moment it seems pitiful.
It means hitting not just "rock bottom" in the ways you've already been there and have feared happening again for almost two decades, but it happening in even worse ways than you've yet imagined...
So that you truly have to start over in every literal way.
And choose to pick yourselves up for yourselves and no one else.
And to recognize you're enabling each other, just as we were doing w/each other for years after I internally shut down about trying to help you heal yourself.
Idk Cabbit...
I hope you decide to face your karma and your fears before things get worse for you.
I know even just me applying for child support and family court stuff, is going to chaos a lot of towers in your life, on it's own.
Which will create ripple effects that amplify everything else.
Like dominos and snowballs...
And I can see a vision of you sitting back in your monte carlo...
alone...cold...no money except for one big beer you hope will help you fall asleep...
wishing you'd not ran away from us like a coward...
and made better choices w/your life in general...
The "panic storage" you got before we moved...that had the number 360 on it...
Comes into my mind again a lot today...the cycle repeating...
Taking you back through everything that's haunted you for years...
All the things that made it hard for us to be together fully...
That's what's happening now...
And it's one of my fears...
That your biggest fear will manifest soon...
You ending up right back where you were when we met...
Being cheated on by your spouse...
Kicked out or forced out of your home...
Unable to see your kids...
No job or income...
No support from fam or friends...
Drowning your tears in bottles...
getting woken up by cops and firemen telling you to drive home...
problems w/your lisence cause of dui's...
facing social embarassment from your drinking and not leaving someone clearly using and abusing you.
and ready to throw in the big towel...
I did warn you when you first resurfaced...
That this is where you are headed...
I think we both thought it was going to happen while you were still hotel hopping...
Though it seems more likely to happen now...
I'm sad for you my Cabbit...
Though I'm not going to sit in the sadness or worry about it happening or not.
I've decided to refocus on working on manifesting the house and acres we've been talking about for years...
I know I can do it, and I trust spirit to show me how...
While it gives you the spiritual spanking of a lifetime, and gets you caught up to meet me when the time is divine...
I'm also focusing on that day...
Rather than today...
So I'm not contributing to holding you in the "other dimension" you've been in...
And releasing myself from that place...
No longer missing you, cuz I FEEL you in the manifesting moment where we're both right here by choice and loving every minute of it.
That day feels great already...
