Even when I disconnect from you energetically, I can still feel it creeping in - which means you're actively thinking about me and obsessing about what to do about the mess you've created.
I know b/c of your traumas, and the vampyric narcs you're around - including your ex wife parading around w/the "friend" she cheated on you w/when you were married to here; plus mercury retrograde creating illusions, that it may have been easy to think that I was trying to control you - as laughable as that is.
Though I also know you know me well enough to know, I wouldn't pull away my friendship, light, love, and the kids - unless I was serious, righteous, and done.
Which is causing you to question everything around you, especially the choices you've made and are faced w/needing to make now.
Which are all a product of how much you've been focused on your fears and shadows manifesting into reality. Many of which force my hand - to not just pull away from you, but to stop covering for you, stop showing my compassion for you, stop supporting you, stop giving you "more chances" or extra time. Which means I must stop waiting on you to do the right thing w/child support or the boys, and must chug along w/the plans we had all along, that we couldn't follow before cuz of this same shadow work you fought so hard against when we were together - keeping us both stuck.
All of which makes me face my own shadows and fears.
Making me decide what I really want.
Who I will be.
The kind of mom I'll be.
The kind of friend and co-parent I'll be.
The kind of daughter and niece.
And the kind of lover and walksbeside too.
And I know I most certainly didn't want us to move into my parents house in the first place, and had intended for us to be out of here and into an affordable forever home by last summer.
Now I want it more than ever, and even though I know you will grow and step up eventually, b/c your 3d self is being so impetuous, hurtful, disloyal, cowardly, and narcissistic - I'm forced in this moment to decide - will I wait for your stubborn ass to come around and have to suffer the consequences of my families mood swings, traumas, and trappings?
Or will I plow on ahead, making use of my earthy astrology elements and know that whether or not you ever do right by yourself and by us - that me and the boys deserve better than your behavior or my families - even though you might feel we're moving away and moving on w/o you?
And will I be the kind of woman who sees you as a lost cause cuz of how you're acting now?
Assume that I'll never be able to expect integrity, empathy, support, honor, and harmony from you?
Or will I be the kind of person who knows that you and everyone else; including your karmics, are on their own healing paths?
That you won't take forever and will do the right thing much quicker than anyone thinks?
I prefer the secondary ones.
To have faith.
To choose kindness.
To have healthy boundaries even when it stirs the shit pot.
To focus on manifesting our house and property as quickly as possible - much like you did.
Using whats around me to manifest a situation where I force myself to act or chose to stay stuck.
And I'm not gonna stay stuck.
No more.
It feels like you're not yet "there" yet.
Though that you're getting there via me refocusing.
Taking focus off of you and your drama.
Which has the added benefit of showing I've no desire to "control" you.
And any desire I might've had to "interfere", was lost when you chose drinking, greed, gluttony, and avoiding conflict w/toxic ppl who are gonna create conflict anyways - over your children.
Even over your daughter - who I've never seen you do that with.
Though then again, that could've been cuz I never put you in a position that forced you to choose me over your children.
Either way.
I can feel you thinking about me.
And am getting much better at separating the difference between my own feelings and yours.
To discern when the pressure I feel to reach out to you, is from a genuine desire to do so, or is b/c you're trying to manifest it, so you don't have to take the first or even second step.
Hoping you can just think your way into a reconcilation initiated and carried out by me, wherein you still don't have to give any commitment to be respectful, safe, and healthy w/our kids or me.
Which you know is what will happen now.
It's not even a question of "if".
It's a "when".
You'll do the right thing.
And I won't come towards you until you do.
Not to force you to act, but b/c it's dangerous for me or the boys to be around you until you do.
Which is exactly what will cause you to do the right thing, and to do it for the healthy reasons this time - instead of just doing it cuz I said so; which I won't accept this time in the ways I did last time.
This time you need to quit drinking cuz you know it's hurting you and everyone you love who genuinely loves you back.
And cuz you remember you want to be the man I've always seen you as - brave and honorable.
Not the man you've been acting like - cowardly and narcisstic.
Either way, my dearest Cabbit...
The ball is in your court about how things unfold from here on out.
Will you choose the path that appears hard but is much easier?
Or the path that appears easier but is much harder for much longer?
Will you give up on reconciling even as co-parents, cuz of your fear it might take some serious effort to earn it back?
Or will you decide there's nothing more worthy of your effort than correcting messes and healing wounds you've created w/your walksbeside and kids?
Will you decide to escalate the drama to help you feel temporarily powerful and earn yourself a seat in your life as it was before we got together - where you were wrapped up w/the courts over charges from fighting w/your ex wife?
Where you spent nearly all of the time you could, drunk as a skunk to avoid your feelings?
Living out of your car and out of her parents house, cause you couldn't afford to rent any place w/the amount of child support you had to pay, even if she hadn't ruined your credit?
Will you continue to put toxic ppl first, cuz you're scared to feel like an ass for ending things when you promised you'd help them in the beginning when they promised they'd never act as they are now?
Will you abandon your kids and family for drinking and toxicity like your dad did?
And choose to be w/dangerous and abusive partners who hurt the kids, like your mom did?
Or will you turn it around?
Clean yourself up and do the right thing?
Refocus on building and having good boundaries like you started to early on?
Decide to be honest, authentic, and genuine?
Owning up to everyone that you are ready to clean up messes you only made in the first place, cuz you were running from your feelings?
Idk what you'll choose right now.
My psychic senses and our telepathic connection only go so far.
As does my knowledge of the kind of man you are after knowing you for almost 20 years.
I know you're thinking about it.
I know you're reflecting me to some degree.
I can feel the pressure in you to reach out and make things right.
Coupled w/the struggle of knowing that choosing to do the right thing, will continue manifesting the end of your karmic entanglement - cuz even if you wanted to keep it and even though choosing to do the right thing, doesn't in any way mean you're choosing "me" - only that you're chosing to do the healthy and kind things, which are what I'm aligned with.
Which is not in alignment w/your karmics or their insecurities.
Which you proved to me when you decided to claim I was trying to control you by requiring you to be fair and healthy w/the kids, and you got super defensive and tried to love bomb me while you were drunk, into thinking you were chosing to do the right things.
Anyways, dearest.
Think all you like.
Me and the boys will keep chucking forward.
You catch up when you're ripe and ready to.
~ Empress ~
