Dear Cabbit, being moved by that which you cannot control...

 When I went on my road trip, I asked one of the pipe carriers for the dance, to pray for and with me about some things I wanted; for me. Just for me this time. No agenda for others, no trying to save you, not for the kids. For me...

Dear Cabbit, shadow storms and rainbows

E and I decided the other day, that the opposite to a shadow storm is rainbows.

Feels fitting.

Also reminds me of your heartsong; "Lovers, dreamers and me".

Dear Cabbit, My Memories are MINE

I've been thinking about the pirates and their nonsense..

Dear Cabbit, New Spiralcycles

 Of course, it's 10:51pm = "7"

I still giggle cause I know that makes you think about your eggplant, while it makes me think about magick, synchroncity and the beautiful spaces between and around us.

Dear Cabbit; the tale of Cabbie and his Backpack..

GoodEvening my budding Gentlemen =)

I mostly just stopped in to tell you I love you..

Dear Cabbit....high caliber...

 I went to put on my playlist to do some writing too, since our youngest is quad riding and I dont wanna speak my thoughts out loud around him..

Dear Cabbit...the Old Codes no longer Apply...

This has been a repeating sync lately...

Dear Cabbit...looking away for a season..

It's interesting to be in this time and space...

Dear Cabbit....tears that sting..

Today I'm thinking of many things..

Dear Cabbit...karaoke with boys..

I find myself in an interesting moment..

Dear Cabbit... you've become a pirate...

I keep hearing that line from Hook..

Where granny Wendy looks at grown up Peter after his son describes his adult life..

And she looks at him with genuine shock..

And said, "Peter... You've become a pirate.."

Dear Cabbit....Day 4

Old karmic cycles, loops, contracts, and binds are releasing as I write this...

Dear Cabbit... I've defended your honor...time after time...

I was just thinking about it..

I've completely disconnected from anyone who ever tried to use our connection to get me to do something for them, or who tried to suggest I shouldn't believe in you..

Dear Cabbit... trust fall...

Today I ended the very close and deep friendship I had going since shortly after our missions started..

Dear Cabbit...high caliber patience..

Wait..

Go..

Dear Cabbit...the most important ingredient in home made french toast...

It's music.

The song you sing to yourself while you make it.

Whether the radio is on or not.

Dear Cabbit...*hugs*

I miss you.

I know you miss me.

I still think of you lots, an pray for your happiness and good health often.

Tonight I'm cuddled up with lil lion and lady bunny, gettin ready fall asleep so we can get our oldest up in the mornin to get to go for some breakfast with you..

I'm proud of you for sayin yes to that.

And havin faith it's gonna be great for you both, and that if there are any squishies for anyone including me, they'll be minimal.

Also, I'm def getting into quittin smoke soon.

That tweet song you sent months ago; still true. 

Smokin smokin.

Thinkin of you...

*Sigh*

Idk that I can prevent the thinking of you.

Though it feels like I can at least find something healthier to put in my mouth while I think of you 😉

We'll see, I spose.

Dear Cabbit...love notes before a dance..

I'm amused at my own creativity this morning.

My calendar alerted me that today is the day to start "writing love letters" to you, in preparation to go to the WC dance, so that you would have love letters to read while we were gone...

Dear Cabbit...if boys stay...

Song: "Smile" by NKC

Been thinkin bout your joke..

Dear Cabbit... careful...Cabbie falls in love easily...

There are so many energies rn...

Dear Cabbit....the beginning...

It's funny..

The memories that float in between the visions and gnowings and thoughts..

Dear Cabbit....how could you think I'd be...

Listening to a song called "Friend" by Gracie Adams.

The song feels like it's about a woman who really really loved (or loves) someone who hurt her deeply and then ran away..

Dear Cabbit.....weird because it's...

That's the energy of things right now.

The "thread" as we've been calling them.

Dear Cabbit....freedom rising...

It's funny...

So many of the things that happened when you first left, that scared me deeply...

Dear Cabbit...happy anniversary...

It's 10:42

On "5/5/5"; 5/5/2021

Our 15th anniversary...

Dear Cabbit....follow the music...

 I'm not sure how to describe what I feel...sense...or see...

Something about...

Lead the way...with music...

Dear Cabbit....enjoying spaces in between..

Some weeks ago

I set an intention to find a faithful way to enjoy the spaces in between..

Dear Cabbit...from war to tour..

Somewhat recently, I told my best galpal that Spirit had helped me see it's time to start releasing the energy of all karmics...

Dear Cabbit...2:22

What an interesting day!

Dear Cabbit....emails...

Emailing you is such an interesting experience.

Esp when I don't have to..

Dear Cabbit..."home"..

My spidey senses keep bringing to me, squishes about the day I changed our fb nicknames to "home", and the day I changed it away from that...

Dear Cabbit...how's it working out doing it all alone?

I'm listening to a reading, and the reader said the question in the title is something you're asking yourself, and I laughed cuz I could soooo see that.

Esp after how often I used to ask you similar things, lol.

Dear Cabbit... deliciousness...

I'm loving the deliciousness of this weekend's interactions, lol

If only you knew what I was out doing, lol

In any case, when my friend said she wanted to send you a message, I told her that was totally cool with me.

Esp as, she's so great at not feeling hurt by any lack of interaction, and she wasn't doing anything 'for me'.

She was messaging you cuz she loves you and how she knows you through me.

She already feels like you're friends, and I love that so much.

I deeply look forward to when you two get to meet.

And I luuuuuuff that you mentioned that twice in your msg to her.

She loves it too.

Also, funny enough, I had no idea what she decided to message you until today (the next afternoon), and when I sent you my message; that divinely came to me not long after you sent her your response, and because I've not got much memory space on my phone, I didn't see your response to my email until this afternoon, and was so delighted cuz I didn't have expectation of a response or anything.

I just gnew it was right to send you that and didn't fear any potential negative responses.

Just trusted that old intuition, which it seems like you're learning to do too 🥰

I'm very proud of you.

I can just feel all the juicy growth going on with you, and I love it.

I look forward to when I can gush and swoon all over you with my friends.

They're all excited for you and for that coming day too ☺️😎🥰

Dear Cabbit...like virgin...lol

I do look forward to getting to tell you why you have that song stuck in your head...lol

It started for you on a day that my gal friends and I were talking about the second and far more important "sacred virginity", and how this seperation has me feeling very virginal, and how that so much fits in with how I wanted to feel when we handfasted..

I know you're picking up on that, and I know that while you have some ego fears about me possibly having shared myself with others, the truth is that I haven't.

And I know you know that.

You'd feel it if I had.

And I know you're deliciously kinky mind is imagining what it would be like to be together for the "first time" after so long, esp with the truths you've learned about me and about yourself in all this time.

Most esp that I love you; genuinely.

That I chose you because I want to, not because I have to.

And you LOVE that.

It feels like nothing else you've experienced.

I know this in my heart.

And I know that when you think about that song, you think about me..

And you see that it's connected to me..

And you think about 'what if...' I've remained chaste...

And what that might feeeeel like..

It's gonna be delicious..

Electric...

Majestic...

Magick..

Absolutely 😊

Dear Cabbit...funny syncs..

Wow.

I think since deciding to watch far fewer readings, not acknowledge so many signs, and to fill my time with activities I enjoy...

That's when the syncs come in and make me laugh..

At both of us and all things.

Most esp as I know you're having the same thing happen to you.

Our consciousness loves to laugh in certain special ways we only usually feel in the 3d when together...

Until now..

As our 5d selves start to tease each other..

Anyways..

Today I got on to check my yt, and saw that most of the readers I trust are saying that you're preparing your words, that you regret what you've said and done, and that you see me as some sort of deity or something.

Feels like the return of the "High Caliber" conversations, lol

"You've got a friend in me", just came on the radio. 

I've been seeing many toy story references lately..

Most esp connecting to that song.

I can only assume that you're either feeling like you're missing me as your friend...or you're hoping I'll still hold a little faith in you...to stay my friend...to gnow what's going on intuitively..

"You just call out my name.."

Funny enough, my Spirit will always run right to you...

When you call or text, I still get butterflies.

Still get excited, even if I'm afraid of or aware that we might fight.

Anyways.

I'm gonna finish preparing to go to PO.

Visiting some friends for the day.

Been a long time since I've gone away from the neighborhood for more then a few hours. 

It'll be nice to spend the day away.

Then I can hopefully come back and be far more productive around the house.

That's what I'm working on again.

I did lil bits last year, to get my "wifey" game improved.

Cleaning, cooking, hygiene, and image.

Getting clothes that look nice, feel comfy, and show off my feminine energy.

Smelling really noice.

Getting to house chores before anyone asks me to.

I'm working to getting that stuff on point this year.

Esp as, when I set forth to fulfill your request to "give up", I knew that there would be some space between us for a bit and that it would be a very big test of my commitment, and that it would again be time to focus on myself..

Something I'm far better at doing these days, thankfully.

Thanks to last year, actually, lol.

("Best of my heart" by Eagles just came on)

Plus, these are some of the areas I've generally agreed with you that I have been to improve.

Not just because you need that in a partner; mostly because I like being able to do those things and feeling like the ppl I live with appreciate my flow and contributions.

Just had to work through some traumas first, more from childhood, that made it harder for me to recieve that feedback and even harder when my own procrastination led to your frustration.

Didn't realize that until a few weeks ago.

Brain thunder, lol

Anyways..

I love you...

You're in my prayers..

Esp as I know there are many towers that have crashed and are crashing around you all at one time...

If only you weren't such a stubborn old goat sometimes, lol

I know Spirit has shown you infinite times, how to get unstuck and have harmonious relations and experiences with everyone.

How to face your karma; in many different ways.

Though you're almost as stubborn as I am.

Which is why I get it.

So instead of being scared for you or worried; as I was the first time around, I've decided to be amused and faithful.

Cuz I know you've got this.

That you're chosing yourself.

Having faith in yourself.

And likewise, having faith in me.

Dear Cabbit...memories... kept...

I've been slowly adding memories of us to my YouTube.

It started with some subs asking me to share our story.

Then, when I felt really sad about things, I realized in its own way, putting my memories on my yt, is a way of keeping them.

It's not like I could ever forget any of them.

Though this way, it's like with fb memories.

Years from now, they'll still be there.

With all my natural feelings about them.

Most of them spoken from a faithful and grateful space.

Just did another one tonight.

Shorter then the rest.

Just about Merchants.

It was fun to talk about it.

Feels like an evolved recycle of when I was sharing memories on fb after you first left.

Except better.

I do also have the feeling that you and those who want to keep you trapped, are likely watching them, just as I knew before you told me when I was doing the fb processing videos, that the rQoS and others were watching everything I was doing.

And I trust myself now.

So I know that's true of now too.

Ha, and it's 11:22; so it must be true! Lol

Anyways.

I've no idea of what will come up on your end, nor any concern about it.

If nothing else, I know it'll make you laugh.

Most esp if others are obsessing about anything I'm doing, right when you're trying so hard to stay in your victim mode and "move on" as you've yet to be able to do 😜

That song "maybe I'm amazed by the way you love me all the time", just came on the radio.

Fun 😎

Dear Cabbit...tracks of my tears...

That LR song just came on the radio.

Funny enough, the mixture of cadence and lyrics with that song..

That fit my current mood well.

Got me to thinking about..

Of all this time you feared I'd moved on better then you..

Or was ever able to "just let it go"..

You should've always been able to tell..

Cuz when you look close..

You can see my smile is out of place...

Cuz of the tracks of my tears stained there..

Of course..

10:24pm/7

Now "Hard to say I'm sorry" by Chicago came on..

The last time I heard this song..

Was about this time last time..

When you were asking for forgiveness..

Which I gave you genuinely then..

Just as I will now..

Or whenever "now" is that your slow poke butt gets enough self confidence to reach out, lol

Dear Cabbit...I can feel it...

Some big happy changes are coming.

I know one of the many is you addressing the way you've behaved, and standing up as a true masculine.

Brave.

Honorable.

Transparent.

Genuine.

With lots of integrity.

Just like you told me

And committed to spirit that you wanted.

Dear Cabbit...12:12 Shift..

Idk exactly what it is..

I have some theories..

Esp based on some signs that have brought themselves to me..

It feels good.

Like that song "it's your thang. Do what you want to do." sort of vibe.

Dear Cabbit...silence..

I spent most of the day trying to work..

Running from being at the house..

Telling myself the signs I see aren't real..

Now I'm sitting in the RV..

After spending most of the day in the car crying..

Feeling like I'm losing my magick..

Which feels like the cost..

Of giving you up..

Several times..

Some cars nearly ran into me..

And instead of being scared..

I felt like..

Wouldn't it be nice if it was out of my hands like that?

If it just happened?

So no one could blame me..

So I didn't have to be strong anymore..

Or honorable..

Or patient..

So I didn't have to sit here..

Feeling like I'm either the bravest person ever, for holding onto hope..

Or the biggest fool in the world..

In all the worst ways..

Idk..

Now I'm just sitting in silence..

Feeling the tears come and go from behind my eyes..

I don't want to hear the music..

I don't want to listen to the readers..

I don't want to watch movies that remind me of you no matter how much they shouldn't..

I don't want to be around the kids...who remind me of you most of all..

I don't want to be here either..

Though there's nowhere I can really go..

So I just sit here..

In the silence..

Dear Cabbit...the way I love you...

It was an unexpected evolved recycle..

To be told by a friend whose been with me throughout this seperation..

That she loves the way I love you..

That she hopes you can one day see yourself through my eyes..

That's the second time since you left..

That a friend has told me that..

And the 5th time since we met..

That I've been told that..

6...if I count that you used to always tell me you love the way I love you..

It's a strange feeling..

Thinking about how...

There's such a real possibility..

That this might have just been a story..

Of how I love you with all my heart..

With all your flaws and quirks..

So much so that everyone else sees it..

Even you..

And it's still not enough..

That I'll spend the rest of my life loving you..

While you never really loved me too..

It feels like that's crazy..

Esp with what an you've shown me..

Though idk..

It feels like a reality I must accept..

At least right now..

😔

Dear Cabbit...despair...

I was just listening to a video of the signs that a guy is hiding and fighting his feelings for you..

Most of them were there..

Except you helping me and making excuses to talk to me..

And that brings up sadness..

Of all the ways you put tons of effort into helping others..

And not me..

Esp since you left..

It felt like if nothing else, the ex benefits package would kick in..

And you'd at least see me as the mother of your son's..

And help me based on that...

Though you've never really asked..

Not unless it had to do with trying to buy your way out of the pain you've caused...

Then the thoughts come in..

Of the times you have said to be careful while I'm out..

And offered to get things to help...like mattresses..

Though idk..

I'm torn..

I still see your text about how you don't need "my drama" when you're dealing with so much of your own, by which you mean Tina...

You've always given priority to others..

And to your drama..

And it hurt that you didn't see being there for your boys and resolving those challenges, as a "your drama", and as worthy of hashing out...

I don't want that to be "drama", but if nothing else, it should be priority...

And it feels like..

If nothing else...

After 19 years of giving myself to you..

The least you could do is not dismiss me for bs drama with karmics...

Like you did when we were together..

Ultimately sabatoging us by making sure you always had someone else's problems to keep you distressed and distracted..

So you could say I wasn't worthy of your time..

Of your effort..

I remember when you said all you wanted was the effort..

Which is when I gave more then ever..

And it still wasn't enough...

To even get that simple effort from you..

Not for very long anyways..

Idk..

Today feels like one of those days I want to find whatever custody papers needed and bring them to you.

Not to fight.

No more fighting.

Just to be done with it.

To show you that I'm done.

To show you how sad I really am.

To show you that I'm really walking away.

That it's not a game or trick.

That you're really losing me.

Not because I don't want you.

But because it feels like I've been crazy to think you've ever wanted me as anything more then a safe place to hide and think about your ex's...

Who you've made sure I could never hold a candle to..

Not cuz they're better than me..

Not cuz I'm not lovable in all the ways that are more perfect for you...

Simply because you didn't want me too...

Cuz you don't want real love..

Not to give it..

Not to recieve it..

Idk..

I'm not gonna do anything..

Other than just feel my feelings..

Write them down sometimes..

And try to keep my faith that you're actually healing..

That the only crazy thing I could ever think, is that you don't love me and aren't coming..

Idk how long I can maintain that space anymore..

Esp with the tears that have come back so regularly since I took such a big leap of faith in telling you you're not welcome until you come correct..

And then having the boys block you for my own sanity..

So I could actually hold back from you...

In ways I've been unable to do before..

Which I know needed to happen..

Cuz if I am just as crazy as you say..

And you're actually happy where you are..

And you were just leading me on for all these years..

Then I need to severe the connection..

And that starts here..

With distance..

With pulling back..

With letting myself feel the grief..

It feels like Spirit is telling me this is just so that when union comes back in...

That I won't be holding onto all this grief..

I hope that's true..

I love you..

I miss you...

I hope I made the right choices..

Dear Cabbit...up to something..

I'm def feeling better today.

Certainly lighter.

Ready for some fun and adventure, without all the "waiting" energy.

Least of all waiting for you.

Which, funny enough, I know you're taking that as a rejection, when actually, it's a compliment.

I know it didn't come out that way.

I also know you wouldn't have heard me if I'd spoken in my language rather then yours.

A dynamic I know won't remain after we make it through this reset.

Cuz that's exactly why I followed the flow and let the towers fall.

So we can start over communication wise.

Which is important to anything else.

Either way.

I couldn't have laid these boundaries and pushed our boat away from the shore, if I didn't have faith in you to catch up.

I couldn't have spoken those hard truths to you, if I didn't have faith in you to do whatever you must to prove to yourself that you can do better.

Which, I know you'll see at some point.

I could really care less if you came to me in a ragged loin cloth and not yet healed at all, or if you came in a $2k suit all zutted up.

Though it became clear to me, that you couldn't let yourself come to me just any way.

Sort of like your thing about "3 months salary".

Yes, it's a bit of an excuse.

Though it's also about how you want to see yourself.

You want to see yourself as high caliber.

You want to be able to show off.

You want to feel brave and high value.

All things I've known you're capable of achieving in any situation.

You just need to access your passion, release your pain, and to stop allowing yourself to be chained to ppl and places that drain you.

I also know that I have choices in all this, and I'm choosing to stand in my power.

Cuz I sense you coming.

I'm more ways then one 😏

And this time around, there will be respect and kindness.

Period.

What's funny, is that you can see from the posts before this one, I've def been in my feels about all of this.

Cuz yes, I am human too.

Though after some stuff your fam said and did, and some stuff goldenrod did and said...

I think you're up to something...

In fact, it feels to me like you're single.

There's a waffle on whether or not you're living on your own yet or not.

Though I can tell by what ppl are saying and doing, and what spirit is showing me..

That you're waking up.

Getting ready to rise.

To glow up.

To be the kind of man that no one can ever challenge the way I've challenged you.

Which I send you my prayers for.

I certainly don't like that everything I said was true.

It's been very disappointing.

I know you got that house and did all you did, to try to show what you could do.

That you could stand as a man in all the ways you promised you could if you just had your own house and garage.

Though clearly, as manifested, you cannot do that there.

Not the way you've allowed things to be.

It's time for change.

Changes you're now instigating.

I can feel you coming towards me.

Idk how soon, but it feels like very soon.

Suppose we'll see, eh? Lol

Dear Cabbit...trying not to cry too loud..

Feels like that might be the name of an album I'll write some day..

That will contain all the words and feels I couldn't share here..

No longer wanted to post on FB..

And felt I could no longer share with you..

All the feelings that become the salt in the wounds of all the things I did say..

That you didn't hear even when I got brave enough to send or speak them..

I think another album will be "words that sting" and another "I didn't exist"..

That's how I'm feeling tonight..

Like I never existed to you..

And it certainly never mattered if I did..

Least of all right now..

When I need you... 

Dear Cabbit...deleting the music...

Next up..

After all the great jokes...

And all the uplifting memes..

Is the pics I took of the music..

On the radio...

That reminded me of you..

That felt like you sending me your thoughts and feelings..

That helped me get through each moment..

When you likely weren't..

Cuz I've probably hardly been on your mind at all..

At least not as anything more then a "thorn"..

Dear Cabbit...deleting what was saved...

I'm in a watery place today...

I decided to get started on what I said I was going to do..

Start deleting...

I'm still not strong enough to delete pics of you...

Though I'm strong enough to release the memes and comics and various things I've been saving to send to you..

Or too remind me of you...

Or that held some meaning to me..

Synchronisties..

Encouragements..

Reassurances..

There were almost 1500 in all...

And that's just since last August..

And it's taking my phone a lot of energy to delete all those at once..

I can only imagine what it'll take to get the rest..

It feels like my phone is having just as hard a time releasing the energy of my love for you.. 

As I am..

Though it feels like time..

Time to let this stuff go..

I'm not sure if it's because I'm sensing it's really over...and this'll help me really let you go..

Or if I'm sensing that we're nearing rebirth, and this is simply part of releasing the "old us"...so a newer better us can come in...

Either way..

It hurts..

Cuz all I can feel right now..

Is like you don't see me..

That you never have..

And you probably never will...

Dear Cabbit...I love you no matter what...

You can go through all your tantrums.

Throw all the fits you want.

Make it through this second childhood..

And made the biggest messes..

I'll still be here..

Loving you..

Knowing if that's all I can give.

That's ok...

Dear Cabbit...squishy day...

I'm in my feels today...

I miss you..

I'm mad sad disappointed that things have had to have gone the way they have..

It feels like for all your accusations of me being controlling..

That you're the one whose controlled all of this..

To the point where the only option has been to get to this point...

Where I have to have ultimate control over the kids and myself..

And then sit here alone..

Crying in the car by myself some more..

Questioning my worth..

And my sanity..

Wondering if I wasted the best years of my life on this connection..

Or if this is just a bump in the road...

Dear Cabbit...leap..

It's 6:11

And I can feel you getting ready to take a leap of faith towards me..

I look forward to that 😎

Dear Cabbit... controlling you vs control my inner peace...

Was just thinking about my next session with Goldenrod.

About telling him about our latest interactions, and how actually rather adorable it is that you're still confusing the difference between someone trying to control you vs someone with healthy boundaries who is control themselves and their environment, to maintain their own inner peace, self love, and sanity.

And actually, how adorable it is that I confused that for so long too.

Either way, I know that Spirit is helping you learn the differences.

And as you do, you'll realize what's really happened with us recently, and will see that the communication blocks and the boundaries & rules I communicated to you, have absolutely nothing to do with controlling you and everything to do with acceptance that not only can you not be controlled by me (which I never wanted in the first place) and that you aren't able to control yourself or have much empathy for the boys or me right now, which means it's not healthy for our inner peace, to have freeform interactions.

Most esp after your approach to "apologizing" to our oldest, followed by texting him when drunk after he just you you how much that hurts his feelings.

Our youngest is looking up videos on yt and tt today, about what it means to be "drunk" and what "alcoholic" means.

We talked a little about it this morning and will talk more about it in the days ahead.

Anyways, that's one of the many examples of why the current boundaries are best.

Not that they are "necessary"; just very logical and healthy.

It protects the boys hearts and inner peace, and mine also.

As knowing there's no communication between you and them rn, when you're at the height of your paranoia about being controlled, is calming for me.

You can't trick or lie to them.

You can't tell or show them anything going on in your life, which means I won't get hurt by anything known or unknown.

You can't send messages to me through them, like you have done.

You can't use them to distract yourself from the shituationships you've created.

You can't use them to hurt me.

I can't use them to hurt you.

They have a chance to not be "in the middle" of our fights.

You can't get hurt by anything they tell you that I'm doing or we're doing.

And so long as you aren't reaching out to me, then you and the rQoS cannot use any active interactions to create drama or hide their own bad behaviour behind; esp as time goes on, and the silence grows - which will bring the clarity that it wasn't anything I or the boys were doing, that were creating problems been you two.

Those problems already existed.

Relationships don't get problematic because of outside influences.

They get problematic because of inside influences.

The problems inside ourselves.

Ha, it's 10:42am/7 - so it's true 😜

In any case, I'm looking forward to you learning this valuable lesson.

That boundaries aren't about controlling anyone else.

They are about controlling yourself in healthy ways, to protect your relationship with yourself.

In fact, I'll take it a step further; they are about getting away from any ppl and situations where you feel any need to protect yourself or anyone else.

Cuz when we're in "protection mode", we're acting from a place of fear, negative ego, and lack.

Healthy boundaries help you get into and stay in gratitude, joy, self love, self respect, and inner peace.

Your relationship with yourself and all those energies, is the most important relationship you will ever have and always have.

It needs to come first before any outside relationships and dynamics.

Cuz until you feel worthy of inner and outer peace regardless of how others feel about that, you cannot have peaceful external relationships.

Cuz they'll forever be dictated by fears of conflict, rejection, abandonment, etc...

And those are not peaceful inner or outer states.

I've taken my time to do things right in this separation, for myself as well as us and the boys.

And I'm very happy about that.

I'm very happy to now being seeing the results of my efforts manifesting in so many ways; most esp the lack of paranoia.

About you fully abandoning the boys and me.

About you hurting yourself.

About others taking advantage of you.

About you taking advantage of me andor the boys.

About the future, past, or present.

Even if it's only right now, I'm feeling peaceful inside, and I'm capitalizing on that feeling.

Ha, it's 10:51 now, another 7! 😂

Anyways.

I could tell

By your attempts at the old silent treatment and crazy making tactics with me, and you're lament to our oldest that you can't get along with me because you believe I'm just upset cuz I can't control you and couldn't do so in our previous union;

That you're in a state of paranoia again.

Which I'm not upset about.

It actually shows me we are in the part of the spiralcycle I thought we were, not long after you left and then were a dick to me that night of the "done done" rudeness in your attempt to placate the rQoS by being unnecessarily rude to me.

After I contacted as many of your friends, our friends, and my friends, just to let you know you always had ppl you could reach out to if you wanted to.

Cuz I was afraid you were feeling like hurting yourself intentionally.

Though you were convinced I was just doing it to try to get you to let me keep the car.

Then I came up to you shop to check on you and make sure you were ok.

Cuz you're behavior and the shituationship you manifested, scared me.

I was scared for you.

I wanted to be sure you were all right.

That was it.

I remember you yelling at me.

Demanding I tell you what my intented outcome was in coming up there.

Which is when I told you I didn't have one.

That was also the day you told me I couldn't control you, which I know now was more you trying to convince yourself that you couldn't be controlled and that was all I must want, cuz that's all you've ever allowed yourself to believe anyone really wants from you.

Cuz you don't feel your worthy of others just loving you for you.

In any case.

I know now, what I didn't know back then;

That you're being like that, cuz you're unable to pretend that the shituationship with the rQoS is healthy, happy, or sustainable, you're seeing how out of control you're entire life is rn, and you're unable to hide from the fact that the lack of control you have in your own life is from your own unhealthy habits.

You're guides are making it impossible for you to hide from accountability.

11am on the dot - Karma.

Because I know now, that your paranoia and misunderstanding why I've made my boundaries and parenting rules very firm, shows me that you're going through a bunch of tower moments and "boiling points".

The last time this happened, I wasn't able to withdraw and keep myself and the kids out of the ever moving "blast zones".

This time I am.

So that's what I'm doing. 

Keeping us out of the blast zones.

Cuz they are happening.

And they are going to happen no matter what I or the boys do.

And as they happen, you'll continue to attack everyone and everything around and within you.

The paranoia will heighten, most likely with emphasis because you misinterpret me being "done", as be being done with you as my DM andor being done with you being an active dad to our boys, when all I actually mean is that I'm done with the toxic games and done rescuing you.

Cuz I recognize the hero/rescuer/protector dynamic is trauma bonding, NOT love.

Something I know you now know too, and are experiencing dissonance about from reading it on many of the memes I sent you to help you get right so you can have healthy relationships with our boys and understand why they feel so hurt by your actions.

And I know that meme had a big impact on you, cuz in a healed state you wouldn't have gotten so upset at me sending that stuff to you, and the same is true if everything really was "all good" in the shituationship over there. 

Cuz if it were good and healthy, then there'd be nothing to trigger you.

You'd likely have been very thankful for confirmation that it was healthy on top of feeling good.

Though because it isn't healthy and doesn't feel good at all, seeing the truth of why it isn't and that you cannot force it to suddenly feel good or be healthy; that stings.

And because you've been running from accountability, it's easier to blame me for feeling hurt by that stuff, then to accept that it hurts because you've been refusing to face it and heal it.

Anyways.

It struck me a bit to read it also.

Though it helped me see I'm ready to release the hero/victim/villain cycles in my life.

Cuz that's trauma bonding.

Not love.

Genuine love is knowing you can do this.

That you're path of healing doesn't need to look like anything I recognize, and that I don't have to observe it in order to know it's happening.

And now it's 11:11 😎

Anyways.

Now it's time for the ultimate leaps of faith.

To trust that you love me even more for calling you out, leaving you breadcrumbs to the infinite healing paths forward, and for setting and holding healthy boundaries.

Which I know is already true, cuz you said so in that note you sent from one of the last time we had couples counseling.

When you wrote that you recognize the boundaries I set, aren't just good for me.

They are good for the boys and good for you.

And because I'm so thoughtful and think ahead, they are often good for you in ways you often aren't aware of in the moment they are set and then you throw tantrums about them.

11:14 😜

You always come back to that knowledge.

And you never delete anything meaningful, and often get nostalgic about us; as shown by you even going through those notes and even more by you sending me that one.

So I know you'll lead yourself into seeing what's really happened and why, when you're free to do so and ready to do so.

And for the first time in a long time, I am comfortable with however long that takes and have complete faith in that happening.

And I tell you what; Complete Faith is far more fun and satisfying then 'Complete Control'.

Which was misunderstood anyways.

Yes, I love playing with CC in kinky ways.

Yes, I enjoy some control.

Though I've never been one who wants control by force.

I want surrender that is mutually enjoyable.

Control by force isn't genuine.

Control by fear isn't genuine.

Control from those only placating you, doesn't feel good.

Control from someone whose only doing it because they fear being alone, is hollow.

Control that isn't fun, consensual, and freely flowing is just a bunch of hollow victories.

That's why even when you tried to make it look like you were giving me control and have tried to make me feel like I was being controlling, were never acceptable to me.

Those are hollow victories.

Energies I've no desire for.

I know you don't desire them either.

Though I also know you love me more then anyone, that I'm really your "first" love; cuz all the rest were traima bonding, and that you're the man I've always known you to really be.

You just need a little time and space to see that too, and come back to you.

Where you always find me.

And our boys.

Our family.

11:22 🥰

I'm hearing a song in my head that I haven't heard in a while...

"Everybody needs a little time a part..."

"Hold me now...it's hard for me to say I'm sorry..."

"I just want you to know..."

I'm pretty sure that's "hard for me to say I'm sorry" by Chicago.

Anywho.

I'm gonna send my loving prayers up to you, have faith, and find some fun to be had.

I love you.

Always.

Forever.

Completely.

In this life time and all those that come after it, just as I have in all lifetimes that have come before it.

Dear Cabbit... cheating with the memory of her...

Read a missed connections post earlier with that title.

It felt very much like the confessions I desired from you, that I no longer need.

I accepted them and felt better in that moment.

Though now, I'm finding in between my good vibes, I'm feeling waves of sadness and then the words of that post pop into my head.

I know that's you.

I love you.

You've got this.

Dear Cabbit...karaoke with the boys...

The boys and I are at mirkwood tonight, ready to do karaoke.

Felt like the best thing to do after the hard ending of the old cycle with you. 

Wish you were great instead of being stubborn.. 

Lots of memories you won't get to share with us...

Though I decided that I'm not gonna get myself so sad about all that you're missing.

The boys and I are gonna have fun no matter what, and just pray for you.

Dear Cabbit...comfy space...

You know...

It's interesting..

I've been thinking about things since yesterday.

How I've worked to get comfortable with longer amounts of space between us.

With no longer giving all of me, most esp communication wise.

And it feels like...

This is a "first" moment of sorts.

Where I actually feel good about leaving things as they are, even if you run away for good.

Funny enough, I know now that you won't.

Though it feels good knowing I'm healed enough to feel happy no matter what happens.

That feels nice.

To no longer feel singularly responsible for what happens next.

To no longer feel like the world will end if I don't put in all the work meant for you to do..

To feel like there are many grand adventures ahead

And the coolest part; feeling complete faith in you to keep growing and learning and finding your way back to yourself.

Which always leads him back to me and our boys.

Though even if it doesn't this time, I know it'll lead you to genuine happiness.

And so will I.

And that brings me happiness now.

And dissolves the old feelings that I need to constantly keep track of everything or lead it or fix it or do anything.

Which feels very freeing.

Kind of like the positive side to "I have options".

It feels great to feel like we all have infinite options and no matter which we choose, it'll all always work out ❤️

Dear Cabbit...that which you resist persists..

You'd probably laugh.

Though one of the reasons I actually do have great faith in you in many many ways, is cuz I know one of the greatest cosmic laws: that which you resist persists.

And because you've been so resistant to doing right by the boys, I know that energy persists in the rest of your life.

And that will continue until you learn the karmic lesson.

Which really, I think has been your biggest karmic lesson, and why you manifested the rQoS.

Cuz you complained about how "hard" it was to be a good dad for so long.

Then fought against healthy boundaries that were for THEM.

Not for you.

Not for the rQoS.

Not for me.

For the boys.

The same kinds of boundaries you deserved when you were young.

The same kinds of boundaries you deserved now...

And have put yourself in the position to have to give to yourself.

The more you resist that

The more that karmic lesson persists.

I also know

Because of your resistance to me

And cuz of your words to our oldest

That I persist in your heart and head

And not in all the bad ways you act like.

Actually, I can tell by your own words and actions that in persist in you in far more good ways.

That you're mostly just mad at yourself

And what you've let your life become

And that I'm not being outwardly "sweet" to you anymore.

Which you probably feel you need more then ever right now.

You're not wrong about that either.

It's just that you need to give it to yourself first.

And the more you resist that

The more that will persist

Until you do it.

All, ironically

Because you have manifested wanting to learn those lessons.

Dear Cabbit...yes..

Feels like I can feel you wondering if I meant what I said..

That I'd still be there for you when your mom or dad go back into nonphysical...no matter what happened between us.

The answer is: Yes.

Of course.

Silly Cabbit.

Dear Cabbit... Accountability...

Was just brought several bits of unexpected information after talking with the boys and deciding together to make the best choice to protect all of us from any further disrespect and codependence from anyone, including you...

And I'm both feeling very sad for you, and also very excited.

You and several other Cancer guys in the collective are going through big energies of Accountability Karma.

From what I understand, it sounds like just about the same time I sent you messages about running out of time and not being accountable, you were getting hit with that same energy from stuff to do with your mom that you didn't handle on time, and several other things.

It gave me a vision

Of you seeing my messages and thinking about how similar it is to when I used to message you when I knew you were going through hard energy.

Though then I was being extra sweet and trying to help you through it.

I am actually still helping you through it even now.

I know it likely doesn't feel like that yet.

Though I have faith it will.

That you're seeing it even now, and more and more as the minutes tick by.

Spirit tells me the accountability energy and me allowing things to play out as you've Manifested them to be, rather then working so hard to "not be like your ex's", is about Spirit helping you see yourself and the life you've allowed to manifest by not choosing yourself in healthy ways, procrastinating, having shitty priorities, and by telling yourself your a victim/hero; putting yourself on a pedestal.

And the distance between us (the boys included), however long you can stand that, is about helping you learn to find faith in yourself and faith in us.

To know that you can start over at any time because we are capable of that.

ALL of us.

You're the only one whose been holding onto the past and refusing to allow any new beginning or cooperative energy. 

Cuz you haven't had faith in yourself.

Which then manifested situations where no matter how much I or anyone else shows we have faith in you and loves you, you couldn't and wouldn't hear it.

Until we had to acknowledge that for the time being, all we can do is back away and have faith that you will find your way.

Which is an interesting lesson to learn along with the boys.

It's scary at times and there's lots of unknowns.

Though we've decided to do it together, and even if you don't ever come back in, I'm grateful to you for providing the contrast that helped us become that close and genuine with each other.

Dear Cabbit... boundaries..

This is an interesting time.

Spirit tells me no more accepting bratty behaviors from you.

And what's funny, as I do that and allow myself to listen to my intuition and instincts, I'm seeing that the boundaries and energies manifesting are all the excuses and things you accused me of doing.

Like with the Cabbie and Bunnie doodles.

Should be interesting. 

Dear Cabbit...Balance...

Wow..

Between the visions, the data, the readers, and the energy I just spoke to on a vid about the first super full moon of the year; and we both know you are extra effected by what the moon is doing...

You were even called to it on your trip, when it was about full..

I have a strong gnowing that if you're not already single and embracing healthy choices, you will be very soon.

And with those commitments to yourself, will come corrections of our dynamics and the dynamics with the kids.

I look forward to that.

Dear Cabbit...feels like I need to protect myself better..

Idk if this is a reflection on how you're feeling or just my own tiredness with getting hurt.

Either way, as much as so much of me wants to know everything about your trip and how things in your life have been going, I am very very tired with feeling hurt by what you tell me.

Esp when it includes you confirming you're staying stuck in a situation where you're miserable.

When I know you only even got into that situation because of your ego. 

Not because you really wanted any of what or who you got.

I'm also upset by the dynamics.

That you seem to feel you can be cruel and fucked up to me and the kids, and should never be called on it, and never be served the same fucked up dishes you serve.

Then there's the cowardice.

Including distancing and delaying communication and healthy growth, most esp for our family.

All of which seems so contrary to what you say you want.

You want me out of the picture?

Then create a healthy safe environment where our kids can be with you and not regularly shed tears or be emotionally fucked with.

Get real about whether or not the rQoS is going to really be your partner or not, cuz if she is then she needs to recognize she's a parental figure in our kids lives and she needs to grow the fuck up and act like it, and she's not going to do that, then she needs to back the fuck up and let you have solo time with them for more then an hour every other weekend.

And if she's not going to be a healthy parental and addition to their lives, then she also needs to shut her mouth and not have any opinions about what you do or don't do with our kids.

Likewise, if you're not going to take initiative to learn about healthy parenting and family planning, then you need to STFU about what I decide is best for the kids.

You've had a thousand opportunities to speak up and talk about what you'd like me to do differently with the kids since you've left, and every time you've found yourself with nothing.

And I can tell it's because 1. You just wanted to argue and weren't expecting me to actually be open to feedback, and 2. You have nothing.

At least, nothing you can speak to that isn't dwarfed in comparison to all the bs you do.

Hell, I'd love it if we could both help each other work to become better parents.

Though much like how our dynamics were before you ran away to join the circus, I'm the only one who ACTUALLY cares about how the boys grow up.

About how they feel about what we do.

About how what we do and say with them now, will effect them growing up.

Idk.

I just feel upset.

I'm tired of feeling punished for getting healthier; as a parent, as a person, as a partner, and as a friend.

And tbh, I'm pissed that you'd ever criticize me being a good friend or not, based on a few emotional moments, when you have been the shittiest friend ever, after you PROMISED me we'd always be good friends no matter what.

It brings me into memories of when we were splitting up, and I told you that you had to earn my friendship, cuz that was part of what I so hurt by.

That you weren't being a good friend to anyone, and least of all to me.

Even more then that, I hate knowing that you likely even apologized to those friends who you contributed to hurting their relationships, because they don't have good morals or integrity, so they never wanted nor expected an apology.

Which makes it easy to just say "I sorry I not good friend to you in those moments", and not even really need to be clear about what you're talking about.

Whereas with me, you've said sorry so many times and not meant it and not done anything to grow enough to not repeat those hurtful behaviors, and I have self respect and decent morality.

Which doesn't make it hard to apologise to me; unless you're placating or trying to bullshit me.

Which seems so ingrained in you that it disrupts your ability to have any genuine humility.

Fuck.

I hate this.

I don't want to be mad.

Not at you or anyone.

Though I've spent all year trying to figure out ways to back away and leave you to your circus to learn your lessons, while not being mad or leaving you to feel abandoned or like you screwed up too much with me.

I've yet to have succeeded with any of those methods.

Being kind, respectful, empathetic, understanding, patient, and "warm" in my friendship, has only succeeded in having you treat me even more like shit then ever.

And what REALLY sucks about that, is that I know I haven't done anything really wrong.

It's all about your ego and the rQoS insecurities.

Cuz she knows that out of every way she can try to imitate me, she can't be genuinely kind for it's own sake, emotionally secure, or authentic, and she's so wrapped up in controlling everything and maintaining as much power as possible, that she refuses to even imagine being capable of being truly independent.

Which I know is why she feels so threatened by me and the boys.

Cuz I can do all those things, and I don't do them for you.

I do them for me.

That's why my growth is consistent.

That's why I can hold healthy boundaries.

That's how I've been able to be so patient.

That's why she doesn't scare me a bit.

And why I scare her so much.

I have power.

Not because I demand it.

Not because I take it from anyone.

Not because I stole it or manipulated it from anyone.

I have power because I am genuinely kind.

Because I don't play the victim or the hero.

Because I'm genuine and thoughtful.

Because I actually care about others well being; even those I'm not fond of.

All power I know you would have too, if you'd get over yourself and over your fears, face yourself, and stop giving your power to the ppl in your life who seriously seem to enjoy keeping you more stuck then them.

If you'd learn humility.

If you'd set your ego down for a few minutes every day.

If you'd take your balls back and stand up for yourself to the ppl who actually are hurting you and working to hold you back.

If you'd learn your damn karmic lessons...

Though idk..

There's a part of me that feels like you're not gonna learn those lessons for some time now.

Most esp if I get back into a good place with you.

I mean, just look at what we just went through.

It took months of patiently holding boundaries with you while you were being a complete asshole, followed by having to be willing to completely blow everything up, just to get you to follow through on giving the phone back and it took our youngest blocking you and holding that boundary no matter how "nice" you acted, to get one half asses apology to him.

Life does NOT need to be that hard or complicated, and I should not EVER have to be that much of a bitch to be treated respectfully by you.

I shouldn't even have to wait MONTHS for you to do the right thing, or guilt trip you into helping me when I BARELY ask for anything from you, and I most certainly shouldn't be treated like shit simple because it makes the rQoS insecure or pissed off and because your cowardly ass doesn't want to trigger the drama you invited into the most important parts of your life.

That's not acceptable.

And I won't be treated those ways anymore.

Which I know is good just for my own self respect, though I can feel that being genuinely mad at you, distant, and not taking any of your bs, is pulling you in.

You always do that.

You always wait until I'm done done.

Then you change.

Then you grow.

Then you do stuff that if you'd just fucking done it sooner, none of the current drama would exist.

And so much of me wants to feel like that's a good thing.

I want to be happy for any growth and improving dynamics.

Though it feels like if I get myself into a good vibe with you, that you'll quit again.

Which means keeping myself mad.

It means doing exactly what you said you wanted, that I know you don't.

Like keeping a firm boundary about not talking about anything personal.

So I don't have to hear your hypocrisy about having put yourself in a shitty position that makes it complicated for you to do the right things for yourself or anyone else.

So I don't have to think about you being happy without me 

So I don't have to hear about you getting hurt over and over and over again.

So I don't have to hold my tongue about how easy it is to change your circumstances.

And so my own ego and pain body doesn't rip itself from be in a fury of curse words and coward calling.

Cuz that exactly what it feels this all comes down to.

You could live.

You could love.

You could be a great dad.

You could be a great friend.

You could've been and still could be a great partner & family member...

If you weren't such a fucking coward.

Which I hate calling you.

I hate writing it.

I hate having to acknowledge the truth in it.

And I hate that despite how much of a turn off that is, I still love you.

Though I'm tired of being hurt by your cowardice.

I'm tired of sitting here knowing how easy it really is to redeem yourself and live a honest life.

How easy it is to have healthy fun dynamics with me.

And knowing that regardless of how much you have admitted yourself, that you have fucked up and hurt me - that you would rather choose to hide from me.

Like you do with our oldest son.

Rather then face the reality that you've given us no other choice then to protect ourselves, because you won't face your shadows enough to be able to let you accept genuinely loving behaviors.

Idk...

I'm praying to Spirit for help..

Cuz it feels like I should be allowed to be upset with you, and you should be HAPPY to go above and beyond to redeem yourself no matter how long it feels right for me to be upset with you.

Though it feels like that might not ever happen.

Cuz you let fear control virtually everything you do.

Meaning that even if it's completely justified, healthy, and appropriate - if I don't yield and extend myself, that you'll stay stuck between victimhood and feeling like you screwed up to bad to be worth facing rejections that are very understandable, and being upset that I expect you to be a mother fucking adult now.

Cuz that means you don't get babied.

That you don't get anything you're not entitled to.

Idk.

I want out of the old cycles.

Where I give and give and give.

And am infinitely patient and understanding.

Where I'm doing all the work to reach out.

Where I'm the only one looking for resolutions.

Where I'm the constantly expect to change and give in and never expect or require anything.

Where not having good boundaries with you is met by bs cries of me being inconsistent, and having healthy boundaries with you is met by whining about how I don't "accept your flaws".

I can't go back to that.

And your "sorry for the delayed communication" bs, that is only even able to happen because you created an even more fucked up communication dynamic between us then we had before - that you've yet to acknowledge...

That just feels like you doubling down on the cowardice all around.

Then when you come over and show that you know you fucked this up, yet you refuse to say that, and then want to tell me all about the fun and shenanigans going on in your life.

About the money you spend on yourself and your replacement family, when you have refused to pay child support or even just be fucking helpful with YOUR OWN CHILDREN.

That so fucked up.

It hurts.

It's bs.

And I know you.

When you get your karma through the courts for being that way, you're just going to whine about it and act like it's unfair.

And I'll have to work through not feeling like an asshole for telling the truth and letting you get faced with your own consequences.

Fuck.

That song "landslide" is on the radio.

That reminds me of that first dinner with the rQoS...

When I sang it at the table..

And noticed you watching me with loving eyes..

It's 7:11 now too...

I hate this.

All of it.

😔

Dear Cabbit...idk if I'm strong enough...

I don't even know what exactly is happening this weekend..

All I know is that I feel like running..

Fast and far...

Both in my mind and in a literal sense...

And it tears me up..

Brings up an my tears..

Cuz I promised myself I could do it..

Be strong enough to hold on..

To be that kind unconditional one who could just...wait..

Idk how I'll feel later...or tomorrow..

Right now...I just feel like I don't want to feel anymore..

Cuz when I feel..

I don't feel strong enough..

Loving enough...

Intuitive enough...

I don't feel like enough...

Dear Cabbit...the pull...

The pull is so strong right now.

Esp with our youngest playing lots of reggae and Marley.

All the songs you love.

That talk about love.

About redemption.

About following your heart.

It's a return on the energy that came in after you left, that we talked about around the time that we had that first buzz inn dinner in granite.

When you talked about how she was playing uncle Kracker songs on repeat, and I told you how hard it was to feel emotionally okay when our youngest was constantly playing your music and that I had to see his name all the time, which is obviously the same as yours except the IV/V.

And I know from the wrangler you showed our youngest that you're working on today; with plates that equal 17...

That you're getting many signs and syncs too, that are making it hard not think of us.

Heck, just the fact that you were hearing Madonna's "like a virgin" in your head on the same day the gals and I were talking about virginity, tells me we are much more lined up and in sync that it appears.

Much like the side mirrors on the cars say "objects are much closer then they appear".

It feels like that's you and me rn.

We're much closer then it appears.

And are almost to that point of being back in union, this time much more awake and aware then we've ever been before.

Until then, I'm just doing my best to alchemize these sad frustrated feels into the joy of knowing you'll be free soon, and that if nothing else, I'll get to watch you really glow up and learn to be you.

To love you.

To love who you are.

To pursue your potential.

That'll be great to observe.

Dear Cabbit...taking bad advice..

It's interesting.

Our whole story has been full of you taking bad advice from toxic ppl who enjoy seeing drama and stagnation in your life, though it feels now more then ever, like you're giving up your power and taking bad advice in terms of co-parenting and interacting with me.

Funny enough, that actually doesn't feel like a bad thing rn.

It feels like a good thing.

Cuz it feels like the 180 of when I told you that I took some bad advice, when I could've approached things differently.

Esp with whatever this weekend trip is supposed to be about for you.

It feels like the return of you attempting to put the energy into that shituationship, that you should've put into us, and that it's going to really show you who you've been with and how you've hurt yourself and your loved ones giving into those who don't want to see you succeed and heal and enjoy being who you are.

It'll be interesting to see how that plays out.

Many readers who've been very accurate, plus my own cards and Intuition, are saying it's very likely that just before or after the full moon this weekend, you're likely to reach out to me with a volcano of emotions and repeat the "I wish I would've listened" moment that happened about this time last year.

Which feels good and bad.

As much as I do sometimes have feelings like I expressed in that regret note, I really hate seeing you in pain, and I know in order for you to really learn the lessons you need to learn and have refused to do the easier ways, mean you need to go through bigger more painful experiences.

And I've definitely been feeling a return on the energy I was in when you left and then I got more information on who you got tangled up with, where I'm afraid for you.

Thankfully, I'm much calmer and see that it's even more important to trust Spirit and let things play out, then I was then.

Rather then trying to save you, my lesson is to have faith in you saving yourself.

I'm spirit getting you out of that situation in ways that will ensure you don't get into them in the first place anymore.

Which is what I've been reassured is what's happening and why.

So that very soon, you'll be putting appropriate healthy effort into co-parenting and even friendship.

So you won't ever take me for granted like you have.

Or our boys or your sister.

Basically, so you'll learn to cherish the healthy connections you have, and release the unhealthy ones you've been too scared to release and remain free of.

Which is what I focus on.

Not the feeling of knowing you're fighting all the time and wrapped in drama.

Not the disappointment of seeing you'd rather ignore my invitation to participate in a drama free Easter with your family, then to simply say "no thankyou" or "yes please".

Not the stress of knowing that if you're working so much, you're stressed out and life isn't going well.

Instead, I focus on knowing that the more you work, the more time you spend away from the toxic energy at the house and away from karmics trying to keep you trapped and toxic yourself.

The more time and space you have to think about things.

And the more able you are to have the resources to get yourself free; either for your own apt, or to be able to afford that house on your own when you're living alone.

Knowing that as the hardest lessons you've yet been through, come in and break you down, they will help you grow and become the man you really want to be, that I've known you really have been this whole time.

Funny enough, that's part of why I sent that regret note.

I knew you wouldn't get it in that moment.

Though it's like the Andy Grammar song "wish you pain".

It may sound crazy, but I know what you don't; that through pain, growth occurs.

Just like you've shown it already to be doing, just from those words I bravely shared with you that told the truth about how I felt in those moments and what I was seeing.

I know you'll understand someday soon.

That'll be a really good day.

Dear Cabbit...finish line in sight...

Idk what sort of Maverick thing you andor Spirit has in mind for the rest of this week and this weekend, but it feels like it's going to help us cross the finish line in the old third parties cycles.

Most esp you.

I am feeling the back and forth pull of whether or not to seek safety in new connections, though I'm much more strongly feeling the pull of just sitting still.

Which is actually fun, cuz I'm remembering all the times you told me that sometimes you just want to grab my hips and tell me to "hold still", which we both know is cuz you like the idea that it would be a challenge to get me to hold still, and love that I love that kind of stuff...

Anyways..

There have been several important readings, of the few I keep track of (it's much fewer these days), that have affirmed that message.

Don't seek new connections.

Embrace ours faithfully and be present with it, while just having fun.

With videos and the kids and karaoke.

With getting back into exercising and cleaning and working on me stuff.

Blue glass, Butterflies, and Ladybugs.

Junebugs too.

Anyways, I also have a feeling that you're "up to something".

Which is an interesting recycle to when you thought I was up to something about this time last time.

Which I was.

It just wasn't as devious or as big as you might've thought, it had more to do with my relationship with myself, and in terms of us stuff, it had much more to do with overall long-term us stuff, then anything immediate in the moment.

Which is what it feels like you're doing.

And I very much get the feeling that this weekend is going to be very Maverick + McGuyver. 

It feels like it's more a test or setup for the rQoS then anything else, though it feels a bit like a test for me too.

Much like you were doing in those first 3 months from the hotels to the house; testing everyone to see what they were really all about.

Though now you see that I'm for real, and that your feelings for me are real.

And you're pretty sure hers aren't.

Though between the fact that you can't just maturely tell someone like her that you just want to be done and not have a ton of drama created from that, and that you're not fully sure it's safe to free yourself andor come back, you want to be absolutely sure of what your Intuition is telling you.

So you've set some kind of test trap.

11:44am 😂

Anyways, I'm gonna enjoy the absurdity of these thoughts, and of which of the many timelines will occur this weekend...

Cuz even if you genuinely have nothing strategic planned, I know Spirit does, and because of the alignment of the Libran Moon, I know this is all about justice and making things right.

Which means Divine Timing and Divine Interventions 😎

Dear Cabbit...in between our fights..

Idk, but today I keep hearing in my mind, something your sister said for months after you left..

After she heard who you were with..

And talked to you..

And assessed things herself.

She told me that in her mind, the rQoS got in the middle of OUR fights.

What's funny, is that the thoughts on my mind about it rn, aren't so much to do with how you try to play dirty like that, but actually that I feel really bad because this whole time you've thought you were stuck, when really, it's her whose stuck.

And with an ego like hers, that's really got to suck.

You and I are soooo deep.

In our fighting as much as our loving.

And obviously you've been torturing her more then I have! So naughty! Lol

It's interesting to have seen how things have unfolded.

Esp after rewatching that movie.

I'm still laughing about all the scenes I forgot about, like "what did you think I was doing that first hour? I was learning your tells. And consequently, your biggest one is...."

What's bestest about that, is that I wasn't trying to do that this past year, but that did happen.

I was already used to being hypervilgant about your tells from having to be so Intuitive with you far before the seperation; and now, after the past 14 months, I have seen you from a whole new set of angles.

And it very much feels like throughout that time I've learned all the tells you have that I couldn't see when I was sitting right next to you.

Mostly cuz you're so silly about being afraid of vulnerability and authenticity.

Such a silly Cabbit.

I wonder also, have you learned my tells yet?

I know you've been trying to look for the ways I'm like your ex's and karmics.

It's really cute at this point, that you're trying to claim my and the boys demand that you apologize properly for how you've behaved, is me being "controlling".

And that it ever was that when I expected you to do so with me before you left.

*Sigh*

If only I'd had the clarity then, that I do now.

I wouldn't have done much different.

Our journey is adorable so far, and I love that.

Though I do think about how many ppl told me that if I just worked on me and had fun, leaving you in your hot mess, that you would've been out of it by now.

I laugh at myself.

To think I was worried I didn't mean enough to you.

Or that she meant more.

Or that if I didn't keep in touch, you wouldn't have freed yourself and found Spirit.

After all this time, one of the biggest tells I've found to be most consistently true with you; your immaturity gives you away.

Just like it did when we were together.

Though now, despite your best efforts to hide in others shadows, you out yourself again and again.

I look forward to when you no longer feel the need to approach things like that, and can face your fears.

And face yourself.

Then you won't have any problem facing me or anyone with shitty opinions that you shouldn't have listened to before.

Dear Cabbit... ace of spades...

Okay, I'm not sure what to means but I'm really amused by having gone to wake our youngest up and then finding an Ace of Spades on the floor by the door.

The same card that Maverick manifested in the last game at the end of the movie. 

I put in your sweater pocket.

Feels like it'll be relevant at some point, lol

Dear Cabbit...my favorite sync in Maverick..

Hear the end.

The bath house scene.

When Bret said his papy taught him to "never put all his eggs in one basket"..

Followed by him explaining he knew what the last card would be, was "magick"..

Esp after how he did manifestation throughout the movie, like I show you..

And then having the big line in "amazing grace" following that..

"To save a wretch like me"..

Funny enough, whereas I'd usually assume that spirit lead you to movies like that synchronistically and you had no plans to watch something that would clearly lead you to beautiful thoughts about us...

Though I'm starting to get the feeling you're really awake and aware now..

And that you're watching movies like that, to help you re-member yourself and me...

That you might even have told me you watched it, as an intentional clue this time..

A delicious absurdity to imagine..

I look forward to finding out soon, lol.

Dear Cabbit...the park...

I'm sitting at the park by the yellow house, thinking about all the times our youngest has been pointing out to me all the cars and trucks that look like yours, and all the ppl who he thought were almost you, and how he has felt like you're gonna show up any minute and make things right..

I hesitate to tell him that I have been seeing the same signs and syncs, and feeling the same way.

Like you're just gonna show up to Mirkwood, and this park, and the house, and other places you know we go.

That you're gonna show up alone and he the dad we know and love..

Except even better..

Full of empathy and ready to make our boys your biggest life priority and never let anyone get in the way of that again..

Our youngest told me yesterday that he's decided to lean into what he's seeing and work on manifesting you to come to the park and play with him.

He's adorable, cuz for him, he much more wants you to be nice to me, they he wants you to play with him.

He wants both.

He's just been emphasising that he wants you to be nice to me again.

This feels like the times after you left, before the first granite buzz inn meal, when I told you how hard it was to leave you be when our very own kids were calling you in and showing me constantly..

And then you told me about how the rQoS was playing unkle Kracker on repeat and doing a ton of things that reminded you of me..

And you'd send be pics of all the signs and syncs you'd see at work and at the stores..

I trust and have faith in spirit and you enough to know that's going on on your end now, just like it was then.

And it feels like if I just leave you in that, you'll naturally do the right things.

That you'll come back to you.

Be the good boy that you really are.

Which is both easy and hard.

I'll explain another time though.

For now...time to refocus...

Rabble...

Dear Cabbit...sad money...

Just had a funny but sad vision.

In it, you got tons of money.

That inherence from your dad, money from your aunt, and lots of money in from work and some investments.

Maybe even the lottery or a big casino win.

You were surrounded by money.

Though you looked miserable.

And very alone.

In it, I could see you looking at pictures of me and the boys.

Crying, cuz you miss us.

It felt like you finally Manifested all the money you could ever want, and with that you thought that would make you happy.

Though it didn't.

What it did do, was make you realize how silly it was too prioritize money over your family and true love...

Dear Cabbit... Forgiveness Moon and Junebug Season..

So many things feel like they're happening at one time.

It doesn't feel so overwhelming to me, though it feels like I can feel that it feels overwhelming to you.

Like you've been crying.

Some might call it "ugly crying", though whenever I imagine you crying so much you get all snotty, although it breaks my heart to ever see or sense you in pain, I see nothing but beauty and strength in that expression of such deep emotions.

I've always appreciated you sharing those moments with me in the past.

It felt like the deepest sign you felt safe with me, and that felt like intimacy..

"Into me I see"...

Intimacy...

Anyways..

I just heard on the radio a little bit ago, that Junebug Season just started. 

Which is funny, I thought that was in June.

Though it's oddly fitting that it's now, cuz I also keep getting syncs of vday, which was last month.

So it's like even though it's March, the energy is still in Feb in some ways, already in April, and even already a few toes into June.

I keep feeling the energy of that note you sent me..

To come find me for your bday..

Which is funny, cuz even though you changed it when others asked you about it, to that meaning you were going to find yourself, it's the same thing.

Just wish you'd be courageous enough to be honest with everyone.

That either you did mean that you were coming to find me, or that you were coming to find you.

I wouldn't have been upset if you meant you were going to find you.

In fact, I was just going through old photos of us, and passed upon several that were in that green book of vulnerabilities..

Where I told you that it wasn't your love for me I questioned, it was your love for you..

Cuz when you love yourself, you always love and are good to me...

I also looked at pics of some notes you had written, talking about how we were spending so much time on your feelings and things you needed to heal, that my feelings didn't get attention and what I needed to heal didn't get focused on..

Then by the time you grew, I was so angry..

There were many beautiful emotions in those notes that I wish you'd have shared with me when we were sitting in the RV..

I can own that I was in a shadowy place myself at the time, and can't promise I would've taken it all 100% well if I'd known those feelings.

Though I know myself and my heart well enough to know I would've taken it better, and been able to hold space for you AND myself better if I'd known ALL of how you felt..

Though that's been a big challenge for a long time...

The splitting...

It's like, with you, I've not been allowed to have human moments where I'm not the most kind and patient and understanding person ever.

If I get mad.

If I have a tantrum.

If I feel the world is falling apart and can't get out of the spins...

If I'm tired and not as compassionate for your spinning...

If I have moments where I'm reactive or being a bitch; I not know have to hold myself extra accountable, but then I have to hear it from you for months and sometimes years.

Which I wouldn't mind if that was equal.

If it was more like how it was 4 weekends ago, when I shared the pain I sometimes feel about feeling like I can't "love" again, because of all the times you told and showed me "love" was childish, and then went and intentionally made up that you were giving all those things to the rQoS, including saying you were getting married for "love"...

When you heard that and said you understood the pain, and were happy I finally got it "out"...

Then you promised...

You made the best promise you've ever made...

You said you should've spoken with loving words for all those years before..

And that you promised that's how it would be from then on out..

It felt like those words were REAL...

Even though it seemed like you were drunk..

It also felt like you weren't "there" yet, in terms of being able to fulfill such a promise..

But that you were closer then ever..

That at least you SAW that..

You owned it..

You showed some accountability..

I saw visions then, that you would go back into a dark energy for a bit..

Though I didn't think it would be as deep as it was..

Least of all did I expect you to go back on your promise to apologize and make things right with the boys..

Nor to go back into the space where you belittle me and tell me I'm being controlling and judgemental to require genuine apologies and hold good boundaries until that happens..

I thought we got passed that..

And I still hear in my head how many times you demanded prefect consistency from me..

Not having empathy for how hard it is to have that with someone I love as much as you...

Esp when you say in one moment that you just need consistency and honesty from me, and then when I give both, you treat me like I'm a monster...

I have only ever wanted you to be happy..

I've bent over backwards trying to be a version of myself that I'm happy with, that you're excited about..

Most esp with consistency..

Now you have it.

Clear consistent rules and boundaries.

And it seemed like after some initial fits about the change, you felt better about it.

I have so many screenshots about you owning everything and preparing to address it, make proper space for the boys, and to just be fucking kind to me...

Then you went back to the other dimension hard..

I could tell things were going crazy over there..

And all I wanted was to go find you, hug you, and tell you to come home where it's safe..

And if you couldn't do that...

Then at least tell me what's REALLY going on...

So I know how to prepare myself, and the boys...

Give me the clarity and consistency you demand from me...

Though you wouldn't..

And with everything else going on in my and the boys life, plus my aching heart about everything you were doing to hurt me on purpose just to "prove a point" that never needed to be made..

And all the stuff with mom and dad health wise..

And how the boys feel hurt about your choices...

I cracked.

And instead of holding back for fear it would push you away, I listened to spirit when it said to show those feelings to you.

To follow through on going ALL the way on giving up.

To look at like, either this will help things heal after some towers or it'll finally create enough closure that I can stop reaching out and you can do what it appears in the 3d like you really want; to be freed of your responsibility and attachments to the boys, me, and everything we had...

It took a lot of faith and trust to do any of that.

To believe that I could really show you my human moments and you wouldn't run away for good. 

Or that at very least, if you did, the pain of losing you with finality, would be easier to process and heal.

Though then you blocked my number without either cutting all strings or saying you wanted to work things out and just needed more time.

Which I know actually means you want the second option.

Though it still hurts.

It's still immature.

It's still disrespectful.

It's still ambiguous.

I try to focus on knowing you're in a dangerous situation, and that you likely did that as much for my protection as for yours.

Though when you sent that email that the boys could easily reach out to you, not acknowledging at all that you have hurt them DEEPLY.

As much as I already knew you were still in the other dimension, that still hurt to read.

I know you know better.

I know you know you hurt them.

I know you know it's not that easy.

I also know you wanted to say so much more then that.

Yet you choose to be stuck.

You choose to hide.

You choose to sit on the fence.

To pretend you can never do wrong and that it should always be me and the boys who bend our boundaries for you and your karmics, and that it's wrong and judgmental to expect equal exchange in that way.

That sucks.

That's not you.

And more then anything, it makes my heart yearn for you to really see yourself..

To really see our boys...

And to really see ME.

That's one of the biggest things I've always wanted over the years..

Just to be really seen by you..

For you to take me off the pedestal...

Recognize I'm human too.

That I have growing to do too.

That we'll both always have growing to do.

That I don't expect perfection.

That I'm infinitely forgiving.

That I see you, and know your heart.

And so much more...

Idk..

In many ways it just feels like wasted words...

Falling on deaf ears...

That why I write it hear, rather then sending it to you or telling you directly..

It feels like you would see me as weak or needy or trying to make a move or something like that.

Rather then just being authentic.

Just wanting the connection healed, so if nothing else we can be healthy co-parents.

Yes, I want far more then that.

Though it feels scary to write that even here. 

Even this little.

You're so scared to love yourself and be genuinely loved by anyone else, that any expression of genuine love from me, seems like you feel it's a trap or trick.

Or it triggers the rQoS, and then you cowtow and pander to her like a cuck who doesn't want to be in that dynamic but you're too afraid to stand up for yourself and get out of it.

Which drives me nuts.

If you can stand up to me; even in times you should be yielding, then you can stand up to her, and ask your karmics.

Anyways...

This wasn't what I meant to write about..

Though idk at this point if you'll ever read this stuff, so who cares, right? 😔

All I can do is hope that what Spirit tells me it's true..

Which is that when the ladybugs and cicadas return...

So will the real you..

And that's when the real healing will begin..

That's when you'll choose yourself in healthy ways again..

And when you find yourself..

You'll find your heart..

And fix things with the boys..

And with me..

This time for real..

And it'll last..

Esp as it's predicted you'll finally do what I suggested..

Get single..

Date yourself for a while..

Not be under anyone's thumbs (mine included).

When you can finally figure out who you are when you're not getting entangled...

I pray for faith in lining up with that timeline..

It feels like, even if You and I never got into a real both feet in union in this lifetime, that my heart would heal in so many ways just to see you heal yours like that.

Like, even if you did find someone new and get married for "love"...

At least it would healthy and real and safe..

I could live with that...

Even though my heart still cries every night to be that person by your side...

To be RECOGNIZED as your gift and light..

To finally be the "good guy/gal"...

Rabble...

Dear Cabbit...Ugly Ducks..lol

Oh man, wish I could add pics to this blog without the app crashing.

At that Twin Lakes park, there is the fugliest boy duck I've ever seen!

Though he's so ugly he's adorable, most esp cuz of how personality.

He does this little tail wag like a puppy!!

I look forward to when I can take you there and you can meet him.

I've decided he's my new boyfriend, lol

Also, I'm seeing lots of syncs from our favorite movie.

Esp "ducks in a line", which obviously isn't a common way to say that phrase, lol

Seeing many "mermaid" syncs too.

Do you wanna kiss the girl again? 😜

Anyways, I'm highly amused at your email this morning.

Just as I didn't need to say anything last night nor to respond to you this morning, you didn't need to send anything this morning.

Yet you did.

Even funnier, I saw some visions of you sending me very early morning messages.

Must esp when you get back to being "you", and wanting to make the most of the day by starting as early as possible.

It doesn't seem like that's where you're at just yet, though it feels like soon.

Which is fine.

I'm gonna enjoy my new lover duck and all this freedom with the boys while you 'get your ducks in a line', lol.

Dear Cabbit...sigh...

Well..

I decided to come to mirkwood..

Thought there'd be karaoke, and that I'd find some comfort in that..

Though it's the jam night.

I thought then, that maybe I'd be up for jamming...

Even got the tall Midori.

Though I don't want it anymore..

All the jazz and reggae and singing of king bees wanting their queen bees...and "tell me that you love" me kind of songs..

Followed by ppl jamming in just your genres..

I know you'd have such a blast if you took your balls back, got out of your comfort zone, and got out here...

Strange thing too..

I keep feeling like I'm feeling you arriving here...

Seeing visions of you on stage..

Just having a good time for once..

I want that to become real so much..

Though for now..

I'm gonna head back to the yellow house..

Cuz our youngest is sending me pics of Monte's like yours..

He says he's missing you..

I told him I am too..

We agreed to have big hugs tonight..

Might sleep in the bedroom with him too..

We're all missing you...

Hope you come out of the other dimension again soon..

And decide to stay a long while... 😔

Dear Cabbit...your music...

I know it's a recycle..

Though idk exactly why..

I have my hunches..

Though I find myself sitting at a new park called "twin lakes"..

Listening to "Yesterday's Gone"..

Feeling like you're thinking about everything..

Most esp about me..

Feels like you're overthinking things again..

Triple thinking...lol

Idk.

These sads.

Blarg.

I know you need to feel them.

It's so hard to sit here knowing you feel so sad, and also knowing I need to let you feel it...and just sit here feeling it..

Not reaching..

Not rescuing...

Just having faith..

You'll see what I see..

You'll see the real you..

And the real me..

And in the meantime..

Feeling my own waterfalls..

Sigh...

I love you..

You're in my prayers my love..